What I know: Parenting - Exposure

By Jennifer Texada

I am going to do things a little different this time. I have moved the blog to a new location

http://i2ameverywoman.wordpress.com/

So here are the first few paragraphs of the the most recent post. Click the link at the end to read the entire post.

For the last few days of spring break I took my girls out to the Lake Livingston National Park in Livingston Texas to go camping. Yes camping, in tents in the woods with dirt and campfires and all of that. We had a pretty great time. We hiked on a little trail, and got up early and went fishing. My youngest daughter touched her first worms. It was beautiful, relaxing and cheap.
I realize that dirt is not for everyone, but dirt and worms aside; I know that my daughters will remember that experience for the rest of their lives. They also learned that if they can put up a tent, and bait a hook, then they can probably do anything if they put their mind to it.
I believe that the limitations we put on ourselves are purely mental. When I told my friends what I was doing, a few of them said “Whaaat, black people don’t camp!” Read the rest of What I know: Parenting - Exposure

What I Know About: Action + Passion

In the current economic climate a great deal of impact is placed on what we make and how we stay afloat however there is more to life than that. If you are accountant, a receptionist or waitress your passions might not be fulfilled in the same place where you earn your paycheck.

I have a friend who knows how to turn her passion into action. . .She is one of the most interesting and talented people I know. She inspires me and proves the case that there is nothing you can't do if you want to do it.

She is passionate about 2 things; writing, and producing events. In the past few years she has taken time off from both work and passion to give birth to and raise her youngest children. They are getting to the age where they are not as dependent on her, so she began to look for a job. Then, the bottom fell out of the economy, and she has not quite found a job yet.

So she is still at home, in need of a job she could have gotten desperate or frustrated, but instead she got passionate, and wrote and produced her first play.

In producing that play she gave a dozen people who's passion is acting a chance to express their passion. She staged it as a dinner theater, so that she gave her sister who's dream is to cater a chance to express her passion to cook. Long story...short her simple act of expressing her passion to pass time while looking for a job ended up supporting the passions of many other people, and inspiring and entertaining and feeding everyone who had the good fortune of buying a ticket to see "Transforming Gina".

If you are lucky enough to be near Brockton Massachusetts on March 14th stop into the theater at Lincoln Church and see what happens when you put action behind your passion.

Check out the Event on Facebook

What I Know About: Eliminating the Negative

♪ You gotta "accentuate the positive... and ♫ ♪eliminate the negative"♪ that is how that old song goes right? That Johnny Mercer must be some kind of genius!

As usual's my phone has been ringing off the hook and my e-mail box is filled with friends that are pissed of about one thing or another. They are calling me crying, or cussing people out. Por Que dear friends? This is all for not! The targets of your cuss out's don't care. Your tears are not making anyone listen more than usual, or pay a bill on time.

My advice to you is; when you are faced with the negative, find a way to eliminate it from the situation, especially if you do not have the strength to handle it right now. Personally I am tapped out. I am a mother, a daughter, a boss, and employee a sister, a friend and God knows what else. I have to cook, clean, pay bills, blog........ I do not really have time or energy for anything that is not;

• Positive
• Uplifting
• Constructive
• Lucrative
• Relaxing
• Funny

I have enough of the other stuff to contend with, and problems can be solved without all of that nonsense! How do I know, you ask? I have recently tested the theory myself.

So I was riding in the car with "Someone" the other night. Moments before we arrived near my house he said something that really upset me. Something that was not relaxing, constructive or funny, when I realized something... Wait a minute, this is my car! So I pulled over and told him to get out. I did not yell, I just demanded respectfully that he GET OUT OF MY CAR PLEASE. In my mind, my car is a peaceful place, and unless I gave birth to you, you are just not allowed to clutter peaceful sanctuary on wheels with bad vibes.

What!! we were only a few blocks away.

Then guess what happened... I drove home parked in my driveway, and sat on my couch until the doorbell rang. I went to the door and welcomed in a sort of cold, much more humble jerk of a man. He of course came bearing an apology, a sort of lame explanation but overall a better attitude.

In my experience this approach also works over the phone, in e-mail. You do not need to stand there, sit there, read or listen that garbage. Just ♪ accentuate the positive... ♫Eliminate the negative.

What I Know About: Legacy

Almost every decision I have made since the day learned that I was pregnant with my oldest child has been based on what was best for her, and her future.

When I saw that President Obama wrote to his daughters, I was so touched. It reminded me of the letters I wrote to my daughters when I was pregnant with them, and it reminded me of why do what I do every day. His letter made me think about what else I should be doing to ensure that their life is all that they can ever dream that it to be, and more.

President Obama says in his letter
"When I was a young man, I thought life was all about me -- about how I'd make my way in the world, become successful, and get the things I want. But then the two of you came into my world…."I realized that my own life wouldn't count for much unless I was able to ensure that you had every opportunity for happiness and fulfillment in yours. In the end, girls, that's why I ran for President: because of what I want for you and for every child in this nation,"

My goal as a mother has always been to produce people who will be an inspiration and blessing to everyone they meet. I realize that my legacy lies not in what I do, but in what I leave behind. I hope that I can make decisions and teach lessons to them that will resonate with my grand children and maybe even their children.

What is your legacy going to be? When your children walk out your door what will they take with them (other than your checkbook) that will reflect back on you as a parent?

What I know About: Your Place in My Life

I hear from husbands all the time that they wish that their wife was their "best friend". In the case of my best friend her husband, although we are also friends gets a bit jealous of our relationship. He often wishes that she would tell him all of the things that she tells me, or our other friend that she talks to all of the time.

Her answer to this was that "They are my best friends...You are my husband". When she said it, it made perfect sense to me. A husband is one type of relationship. I think of it as part relative, part business partner, part boyfriend.

She explained to him that I could not serve as her husband... we did not live together, we have no children together, all that we do is talk on the phone or visit or travel every once in a while. Our relationship is not the same.

I am not sure what it is that husbands "think" that they want to take over this relationship? They don't go around saying things like I want to be your mother, or your sister, or your boss? These are all relationships that give you access to insight into your wife... why not that?

I am beginning to believe that every relationship in your life is different. You will not share the same experiences that you do with your spouse, as you do with your mother and father, as you do with your children. My relationship with my aunts is going to be diffent than yours with your aunts. Even the relationships that I have with my children are different from each other. All though the relationships I have with them are both wonderful, they different, and I treasure them both for different reasons.

All and all If I ever marry again my husband probably won't be my best friend, my best friend will remain the same person that it has been for the past 16/17 years. He will be my husband and that will be a relationship that will stand on it's own merit.

What I Know About: Writing New Years Blog Posts

Around this time of year I usually write a post about what I am going to do next year. I can say usually because this is the third New Years post I have written for I’m Every Woman… Where has the time gone!

It has been a stellar year for me. It has been the kind of year that would have played well on a reality show. Full of ups and downs… elation and sadness… surprises and just plain weirdness.

So let me recap

Career
Dec 18 of 2007 stepped through the door to my new office, not really knowing what would come of this new job. 12 months later The work I have done on some just really fun projects have earned me the privilege of being a featured speaker or panelist six times, I have been quoted in 3 publications including Business Week, and I even won a national award. I LOVE THIS JOB!

Babies
One of my friends had all her prayers answered and she had a baby boy… my godson. Then… about 3 weeks later my brother who swore he would never have any children welcomed is daughter into the world…my niece.

Travel
Between work and play this year I went to San Jose, OC/LA, Boston, New York, Austin, Dallas, Rome, Venice and London… It sure was fun but boy am I tired!

I also celebrated year one in my house, bought a new car, dropped my oldest daughter off for her first day of high school, I was consumed by the election and so excited about our new president.

After this year I feel like anything can happen. I am for the first time in a long time excited about the possibilities. So what am I gonna do next year? I really don’t know. I am sure that the year will be filled with all kinds of crazy adventures and new opportunities. But while all that is going on…

A- I am going to loose this 20 pounds that I put on this year, plus hopefully a little more. I guess all the excitement made me hungry! I am going to be passionate about my health in 2009

B- I am going to go back to school. I found what I think is the right masters program for me. I am going to apply go, and hopefully finish before I have to drop my daughter off at college

C- I am going to be even more diligent about my finances. I have this dream of getting 2 mortgage payments in the bank

D- I want to try and get all of the anger and hate and animosity that I held for the people that have done me wrong out of my heart. Clean slates for everyone in 2009

I like the new year because it gives you place to reflect on how far you have come, and it gives you a natural place to call a re-do on anything you need improve on.

What are you going to do in 2009? What have you been through and what do you need to call a re-do on?

What I know About: Standing Up for You

I used to be one of these people who would hold my tongue to keep the peace. I thought it was soooooooo Christian to let things slide. After so many years of doing that I finally exploded and decided that the best way of dealing with negativity is to weed it out of my life. As soon as I saw it coming my way I just headed in the other direction. I cut myself off from anyone who caused me undue stress, and I lived a quite happy, sort of lonely life.

But eventually I realized that many of the people who pushed my buttons were not going to go away so easily. After a few years of avoiding them I realized that I had sort of lost my ability to even manage these encounters without totally breaking down.

Then I realized...since when did being Christian mean that you should let people talk to you disrespectfully, or take advantage of your kindness. In essence ignoring those exchanges is a form of lying. You lie to yourself, when you tell yourself that what they say does not matter. You lie to them, and trick them into believing that their behavior is okay and appropriate in exchanges with you.

I have decided to kick that habit. If there is something I don’t like I stop, and address it head on, I try to address it with directness and patience. I try and understand the position of the aggressor. Cultural background, personal experience and educational level sometimes helps you to understand why that person feels that their behavior is okay. I try not to assume that they are being hurtful on purpose. I assume that they just don’t know or understand that the behavior that they are exhibiting is not appropriate for me and will not be tolerated…without consequences.

That does not mean make idle threats. If you must attach consequences, make them ones that you might actually follow through with. Don’t say things like, if you don’t (your demand here) I am kicking you out and filing for full custody, especially if you have no job and no intention on doing that. That is a lie and the more often you do that the less credibility you have.

Be a woman (or whatever you are)! Stand up for yourself respectfully, openly and honestly. Yes in the beginning you may have more conflict, but I believe as time goes on, and you are consistent with this behavior the aggressor in your life will begin to understand that you are not the one to mess with.

What I Know About: Christmas Gifts for Children

As a child I always thought I had great Christmas mornings! I got a mix of gifts from underwear and socks to the latest baby doll, or board game. I admit I was fortunate, I never remember a Christmas morning where I did not wake my brothers and run out to the living room to see a sea of gifts overflowing abundantly from beneath the tree. Every year I gave my list to my mother to "mail to Santa" and I generally got at least 2 or 3 of those things on the list and was always grateful and thrilled for that. Of course like any kid I stacked my list for good measure. I had a system... I always put something crazy like a pony in the number one slot, so that when "Santa" reviewed the list new bike looked like a reasonable request when positioned next to the pony. Yes even at 8 years old I was strategic. But bike or no bike for me it was more about the flurry of paper and ribbons, then Christmas lounging around, then dinner and fun with the family.

I hear that in many households that the meaning of the holiday is changing? I did not know that you could change a 2000 year old tradition but… okay whatever. From what I understand now the tradition is to spend every dime on sneakers, and handbags, video games, and cell phones. I also hear that if they don’t get every little last thing on their list then the kids are allowed to throw a fit and demand of you the latest in fabulous clothing and gadgets, or you risk being ignored or tormented by their angry rampages?

I have even heard that as a teen you can tell your parents stuff like “This is the phone I want…you can either get me this or nothing” Well I know what my parents would have said if they had been faced with such an ultimatum, but what about you? Do you feel pressured by society and your children to spend obnoxious amounts of money in a effort to win their love and respect?

Parents trust me I understand your dilemma. I too want only the best for my beautiful daughters...I want their eyes to light up on Christmas morning as they tear open the boxes to see the delights of their heart. But I also want the house to light up because I can continue to afford to keep the lights on. Beyond just the cost of it all, I want them to realize that Christmas is more than getting the “Stuff” that you want.

This year…like every year they will get a few of those fancy presents, but mostly books, and board games, art supplies sweaters and stuff.

Personally I think those things prove my love for them even more than a video game or a cell phone. Those things represent practical love. Those things to me represent the fact that I want them to stay warm, and I want to play games with them, and I want them to love art and reading. I want them to know that neither the spirit of Christmas nor my love for them can be measured in the price of the gifts under the tree.

What I Know About: Greener Grass

I don't know about your mother and grandmother, but every time I got to the point where I started to envy what someone else had versus what I had they said "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence". I always remember thinking "Well what the hell does that mean?"Does it mean you are going to get me the thing I want or not? I eventually came to understand that it meant no I was not getting anything.


However, recently I have begun to understand that concept very clearly. Thank God for me that my understanding of this concept has come from watching... from the other side of the fence.

Recently I have heard from a friend that another friend of mine was trying to use my life as the measuring stick. She was trying to holding her relationship dealings with her NEW step children up to mine. Essentially she was trying to say "look at the relationship that Jenn has with her step kids... I want it to be like that." Apparently my grass looks pretty from where she is standing. Well, right now it is pretty, but she chooses to forget all of the watering and mowing and fertilizing that I have been doing for the past 10 years to make it so green. It is green because of financial sacrifice, tear filled discussions, and hard work. But she does not really feel like she should go through all that. She just wants an insta happy family, but "it don't work like that honey".

Next on my list is her significant other. Long story short, it seems he left his wife, not because of my friend, but because I think he had decided that he wanted to be in a different type of relationship, with a different kind of woman. He was married to what seems from my perspective to be a successful woman. A woman that I imagine ran most of the details of the house, maintained her own financial stability, and probably demanded a level of respect from him that he did not want to part with. I am sure there was some hurt and pain that took place on both sides of that marriage, so I expect that his vision of a perfect woman became one that was the polar opposite of what she was... a woman who was not so career focused, or demanding. His new dream girl would be willing to stay home and take care of the house and children, forgoing her own personal goals for the support of his goals. He went searching beyond the fence for his greener pastures, and there she was... my friend.

What I think he did not bank on was that on this new pasture, 100% of the burden rests on him. She is not working... at his request, and now that the baby is here, she does not really want to go back to work... but she is still being asked to pay a portion of the bills out of her savings. I wonder what will happen when her savings runs out? Also, she needs him for everything, her sun rises and sets on his every word... just like what he thought he wanted.

So I hope if you are in a place in your life where you are unhappy, and you are looking over the fence into someone else's yard.
Look away because:
1) You don't know what it took to get to where they are
2) Be sure you are prepared to handle whatever it is that you want
3) Maybe they seem so happy because they are just happy in the place God has them right now

So work on your own yard... run your own race... and just look for the joy in your own life. Most likely there is someone looking over the fence at your raggedy brownish green grass too.

What I know about: "Good Enough"

In my life it seems to be the season of work and career. I have been doing alot of speaking and training in my area of knowledge. I am in the middle of performance review season, and even , my friends have begun to step up and take on more responsibly in their careers or career aspirations, and have come to me for support and advice.

Today I spent some time ( 9 hrs) In a process improvement training seminar. I learned a great deal... and some of it went right over my head. But one thing stuck right in the middle of my forhead. The faclitator said somthing to the affect of "Why would you want to be good enough when you could be one the best"? This has kind of been my modus opperandi for some time now. Career wise I really try to do the best I can. I try and do my work like I am working for God directly. Like it does not matter what they say on my performace review... I am trying to work like my performance review is happening every day. I think of it this way. It was 2 years ago last week when my prayers were answered and I walked through the doors of my new job. I had been looking a job for weeks, I interviewed on every call and prayed daily that I would find the job that I needed to support my family. If I belive that God answered my pray and put me in position to recive that job then aren't I technically working for Him? He kinda hired me... right?

So I want to make Him proud and show my gratitude for making it possible. So every day I go into work and try my damndest to bring my A game. I cannot take for granted any bit of it. Especially in this economy it is not the time to... if you are fortunate enough to have a job and have the ablity to take care of you and your family...offer anything but your best to your blessing.

Additionally if your path is not the traditional 9-5 and you have been given gifts to produce a product or service. Don't you owe it to Him to do that. Not everyone has your gifting. To be unmotivated to follow your gifting is kinda wrong too.

All I know is Good enough is not good enough.

What I know about: Getting out of a Bad Situation

I do not subscribe to going when the going gets tough but I do think that you should not let you health, sanity and well being be put in jeopardy. I know there are reasons why we convince ourselves to stay in bad situations, but the reasons are generally based on short term thinking.

Today I have two friends in situations that warrant an escape plan. One is in a marriage that has been on a steady downhill track since the were pronounced man and wife. It just took another big tumble yesterday. The other in a job where no matter what she does, they will find a way to fire her. She just got to the fork in the road this afternoon. Both know that they probably need to get themselves to safer ground, but both hesitate because, of perceived financial, and moral barriers.

Before you make the choice to spend one more day in that bad situation, ask yourself... Is this God's best for me? He is a comforter, support and provider. He plans are for your good and not your harm. Does the situation you are in feel like it is a part of Gods plan?

A friend, @magsmac on twitter sent this video around today, it inspired this post. It reminded me of what my friends are going through. Maybe they will be inspired by this crazy little puppy. If he can do it... They can too. You can almost see the moment before he starts scaling the wall where he asks himself "Is this God's best for me!"



It's true, getting out is not easy. Are you scared of what is on the other side? It is just fear... don't let fear stop your progress. There are lots of things I have done, while afraid. Accept that getting out may be a bit of a challenge, and it may take a little work... your landing might be a little bumpy. But once you get there you have a brand new set of choices.

What I Think: Love

Love
By: Mia Black
6/20/08

I love you. I love going to the movies. I love reading. I love music. I love food. I love writing. For everything that I love, I've forgotten to love me. I've forgotten to take care of me. I forgotten to make me happy. I've forgotten to find comfort within myself. I think I may have even lost me. But the comfort that I have found is that I have not lost the desire to find me. I haven't lost the desire to be happy. I haven't lost the desire to take care of myself. I haven't lost the desire to comfort myself. And I definitely haven't lost the desire to love myself.

The one thing I have noticed is that when you begin to love yourself, the devil gets pissed. The devil will call you out of your name. He will make you feel guilty when you buy nice things for yourself. He will try and knock you off your course and bring you back to the darkside. And I will admit, over the past two months I've turned out my light and joined him. But God is so deep in my heart that He pulls me out, turns the light back on and brushes me off. The comfort I have in His forgiveness is that He has allowed me the strength to face the devil. For so long I have either joined or ignored him and that has truly been the detriment to my life's decisions. So now that I face all of my problems, pain, hurt, emotions, concerns, I can finally close chapters in my life that have been left open. And trust me, they aren't happy times that I have been going through, but they are necessary times.

It's a scary road to travel down, but God has placed so many angels in my life that all I have to do is pick up the phone for guidance and support. I'm so happy I made that call before I got to the nail salon.

What I know about: Bottling it Up

Nice title right... Quite contradictory to my regular posts of hope and vision. But here in my era of honesty I have a point to make.

I have been angry for the past couple of weeks, sometimes just mad for no reason at all. I recognize the anger as unproductive, baseless, and probably manageable if I just took the time to manage it.. but I haven't. I have been pushing back every time I am pushed, and that is not like (the new) me at all.

Then on my way back from the car dealership the other day I realized why I was not managing my anger as well as I once had been.

For the longest time, I had been carrying this cute little stripped spiral notebook with brown recyclable paper pages, and an elastic band that held it shut. It was just small enough that it fit in a handbag easily. I took it everywhere. It held meeting notes from work, and church notes form services, and journal entries that I made when I was mad or sad or happy for that matter.

So the last time I was at the dealership I wrote a fax number in the book and handed it to the woman who had been handling my paperwork. She forgot to bring the notebook back to me, then I left. When I went back she reminded me about the notebook. She said "You know you are not getting your notebook back, right?" Then she went on to explain how she had read the notes, and been inspired by the church notes and writings. She said she had been reading one page in the notebook every day. It was inspirational to her.

I have NO idea what I wrote in that thing that could be that inspiring, but if it is a blessing to her I want her to keep it. However it was on my way home from that exchange that I realized what was missing for me.

In a post last year I mentioned to you all that when I have things going on in my life I tend to write them down instead of bottle them up. Leaving the worries on the paper was helpful to me in moving past whatever negative emotion was holding me back. During the tough times I would write every day, and when those times passed I did not need to write so often.

I have not been following my own advice.

So yesterday I went and bought a new notebook, and I am about to start letting it out again. I am sure that everyone who has been around me in the days since I lost my book will be happy.

What I Know About: Re-discovering Yourself

By Jennifer Texada
A friend called me a few weeks ago crying (again) complaining (again) about something that the "Him" in her life had done. In the middle of the conversation she mentioned that she was tired of everything in her life being about "Him". She felt like she was becoming one of "those women" who's whole life and happiness revolved around her guy. I guess that is fine for trophy wives and first ladies, but for most of us that is not a healthy way to live.

So I asked her to do what I did back when I felt like I was losing myself. To be honest, by the time I had figured this out, I had already lost myself and was going on a full scale hunt! I told her to make a list of the things that were just about her, the things that she loved to do. It turns out that this was not an easy list to make. She had been in this situation so long she had no idea who she was and what she liked.

When I was in this situation, these are the 2 questions that helped me to figure it out.

1-When was the last time you were happy, and feeling totally free? What did you do for fun, and what made you happy?

2- If you were single, and had no kids, where would you go, what would you do?

She starts with "That is all well and good but how am I really going to do that" already making excuses. "He can do what he wants, because he has a babysitter, me I have children I cannot just do whatever I want when I want to".

Point taken, hire a babysitter. Isn't your sanity and happiness is worth $20 a week for a few hours of freedom.

Yesterday she called me from the nail salon. A.K.A. the place where happiness begins.

Psalms 118:24 Illustrated in Song

The Long Haul

The Long Haul
5/15/08
By: Mia L. Black

When you first meet someone, the game is on. You say everything they want to hear and they do everything you want them to do. You spend hours on the phone and all of your free time with this person. Everything is going great, until….WHAMMO!....your first fight. Then everything bad that has ever happened to you in a relationship comes gushing forward and you have to make that decision if you are going to continue with this person. If you decide to split… you split. But if you decide to stick it out and go for the long haul, when will you truly meet that person you have chosen to stick with?

I ask this question almost ten years into a relationship and four years into a marriage. My husband and I are at another rough point, but I think for the first time in ten years we have taken off the gloves, taken off the masks, taken off the front, and stopped playing the game. Over the past few weeks we have come to see each other for who we truly are. And the thing about it is we aren’t bad people, we are different people. We are people that are so opposite that we are trying to figure out if we have what it takes to fulfill our vows. We have discussed separation and being out of each other’s lives, but deep down inside I don’t think it is what either one of us want. It just simply comes down to, when you’ve been with someone for ten years, how do you live with the new them?

I am speaking about both of us as I ask these questions, because we are to be blamed equally. When I say new person, I don’t mean there has been a drastic changes. But that person that gave you all the warning signs for all this time, has finally become one person. All the warning signs added up to make a whole and now the pressing question is; is this person the one I want to be with? Do we have to bite the bullet because we said “I do” and brought two children into our lives? Or do we cut our losses now before we hate each other?

I don’t have the answers to any of these questions, but I know that God is flicking both of us in the heads right now. I truly think He is laughing at the both of us and saying, “I told you so.” Because the warning signs are what warrants, “I told you so” down the line. Just because we chose to ignore the signs, doesn’t mean they were there for us to read. He has shaken us with a traumatic loss and made us both reflect on the words that we speak. Whether we stay or part, I feel after almost ten years in the long haul called marriage; I have had the first glimpse at my husband. And for better of for worse, I love him.

What I Know: About Following my Own Advice

By: Jennifer Texada
As you all are so painfully aware I dish out tons of advice. I have been through lots of stuff in my life and have learned some tough lessons, it would be wrong for me to not share what I know. Right? However in the last few days I have been faced with the ghosts of my own advice. Right in the midst of trying to get people to hear me, and follow God, and not make the same mistakes, I am now being forced to walk what I talk.

First, I always talk about how you are only treated the way that you allow people to treat you. If you are going to stand there and let people insult and berate you then you get what you get. So I "had" a "friend" I think you might have read about him in an earlier post who was negative, condescending and careless with the feelings of others. I kept answering the phone when he called, or entertaining his conversations when he stopped by my office. The more I did so, the more my feelings got hurt. Is he really to blame for having these opinions and expressing them unapologetically? No, that is who he is and who he has the right to be.

I did not like that channel, so I turned it off.

Another one of of my friends has been going through struggles in her marriage. As many of us do, in the arguments she was holding the present issues next to the issues of the past. I told her that it was not fair to throw the things that he did in the past in his face, especially since you claim to have forgiven and forgotten those issues. Stick to the issues today, and work forward. We do not like it at all when our parents, and bosses and enemies bring up our failures to discredit or demean us, why would you purposefully do that to the man you claim to love? Neither of you are perfect.

That sounded like great advice, until I was faced with the same challenge. A man from my past asked me to lunch. A simple meal, in the middle of the day, no more than an hour long. I did not want to go, because of his past mistakes, things that I could not let go of. Then on Sunday, my pastor started talking about how God has forgotten your mistakes and he only sees your potential for growth. He can forgive anything, but I am so good that I cannot? Great, more self reflection.

So I have agreed to go to lunch.

I am frustrated with having to look inward right now. I really feel like shutting up with the advice. It seems like the more I share the more I am challenged to hold myself to a higher standard. That requires personal growth, which is uncomfortable. But I truly believe that God can only bless you where you are. If I want bigger blessings and a better relationship with him, then I am going to have to step up. Unfortunately for you, this means that I will continue to dish it out for a now. (Sorry)

What I know about: Pooing or Getting off the Pot

By Jennifer Texada

I would like to tell you the story of the little wifey who cried fowl! Every 6 months her hubby would do something that was so much fun for him but she did not like it at all. When she found out what he did she began to shot "FOWL" you are a bad bad man and I don't like you. If you do that again I will go away and never ever come back. She yelled so loud that the children and the dog, and her mom and dad and all of the village could hear her shouts. All of the people said "He had better never do that again or she will for sure keep her promise and never return". So he said "So sorry my dear I will never do it again".

So 6 months would come and go and he did it again and she yelled "FOWL!" You are a very very bad guy and I don't like what you have done. If you you do it again I will go far far away and never come back. So...6 more months would come and go and he would do it again and then...I am sure you know how the next part of this story goes.

So this went on for years and years. Neither the hubby nor wife ever got happiness or satisfaction the children were confused and the village just stopped listening.

The empty promise maker is as guilty in this story as the promise breaker. The more empty promises you make the further you degrade your own credibility. If you do not feel you are getting respect from the folks closest to you perhaps you should retrace your steps to find out where you may have lost that respect.

These are basic "street sense" rules... Don't make threats you can't deliver on. That does not mean that you should not stand up for yourself, it just means that in the heat of anger choose your words carefully.

What I've Learned: Lessons from a bigot

By. Jennifer Texada

Got into another heated debate with a single man that will remain nameless, about women and how he feels about us in general. His perspective goes something like this. “Every time something bad in my life has happened a woman has been in the room.” He went on to include gems like "Women never do anything for you, they are only out to use men."He ended that sentence with “except you” What a charmer.

I felt like for a moment I was talking to a bigot. If he had replaced “woman” with "the N word" in every sentence he would have sounded like a klan member. I have heard people of other races say to me…Blacks are this and blacks are that, but not you, you are different. This did not make me feel any better about the statements. I still take them to heart and an insult to my people, still feels like an insult to me. My race, my gender, my family, my hometown...

When I could not take it anymore, and went straight into defensive mode. I

• pointed out the flaws in his reasoning
• mentioned that I had men were not so flawless either, and
  
• every time these “bad things” happened there were two people in the room, the evil bad woman and HIM!
  

In hind sight, I was wrong. I have seen the skinheads on Maury, and that approach never works!I should have just told him how sad I feel for him. That his way of life is only damaging him, and his potential for happiness. Those people who hurt him have won for as long as he allows this way of thinking hold him back. They have stolen his faith in half of mankind, and if they are all as bad as he says they are, the do not deserve that privilege.

Then I realized... is this what I sound like when I am mad at my ex? I have sat around with girlfriends and talked about how men stink, or why they do some of the awful things they do. I don’t really think that all men stink. Despite my negative experiences, I think that there are some wonderful men out there in the world. Ones that are responsible and smart and do an excellent job taking care of their families.

Thank you…you know who you are... for you bigoted opinion of an entire gender, and your willingness to share your venomous hatred with me. I have been self checked. I will from now on try my best not to participate in man bashing sessions. I see first hand the kind of damage this behavior can do in a life.

I think: No Passing the Buck

No Passing the Buck
By: Mia Black
4/7/08

As my husband and I rode in this morning, we listened to talk radio. This morning’s topic was, “Is the School System Failing Black Boys?” They were speaking of elementary age boys from about the second to the fourth grade. It went about 50/50. Those that supported the fact that it’s the school’s fault that the kids aren’t learning or reaching their full potential, and those that blamed the parents for allowing their kid to reach the third or fourth grade without saying anything. For me I blame both. But when I look at the school, I don’t blame the teachers, I blame the school board.

My daughter attends the Boston Public School System –ugh! It pains me to say that, but at the same time, I don’t worry that she is lacking because I do my job at home. I don’t have the money to send her to private school, but I do have the time to invest into my child by creating my own curriculum at home. I guide her and she lets me know when she is ready to move on to the next step. By the time she got to that school age, she was much more advanced than the other students, but I was able to convey to the teachers where she was at, give them a copy of her annual syllabus, and tell them how best my child learns.

But the reason I was able to convey my concerns to her teachers with such ease is because I did an intense search for her school. I had eleven to choose from and I narrowed my search down to four. I visited each school during their open houses and did a pop-up during the day at each. This school was a good fit all around. But I was amazed at some of the questions the parents would ask, “do you serve breakfast?”, “how late can I pick them up?”, “Is that the only playground you have?” And people somehow have the nerve to say it’s the school systems failing the kids?

I’m not by any means saying I am the only parent out here that is working with their kid at home, but when my kid is reading to her class and the class below her, I’m proud and concerned all at the same time. I’m working with a school board that does not believe in promoting a student based on their intelligence, only by their age. So even though her class is working on writing their basic letters and she’s practicing cursive, by the schools standards, she’s not old enough for that yet. Funny how they don’t understand that the “No Child Left Behind”, is a double edged sword.

That is why I don’t put the blame so much on the teacher as I do the school board and their policies. The school board is the one that decides on the curriculum, not the teacher. The school board decides that no matter how smart or advanced a child is, if they’re not the right age, they won’t advance. The school board decides the tardy policies. I had to put that last one in there because my husband’s client was sent home for being tardy. Absolutely absurd to me, but I’m not on the school board and his mother had no problem with it. She got to go to work early because he could watch his little brother.