What I know about: Getting out of a Bad Situation

I do not subscribe to going when the going gets tough but I do think that you should not let you health, sanity and well being be put in jeopardy. I know there are reasons why we convince ourselves to stay in bad situations, but the reasons are generally based on short term thinking.

Today I have two friends in situations that warrant an escape plan. One is in a marriage that has been on a steady downhill track since the were pronounced man and wife. It just took another big tumble yesterday. The other in a job where no matter what she does, they will find a way to fire her. She just got to the fork in the road this afternoon. Both know that they probably need to get themselves to safer ground, but both hesitate because, of perceived financial, and moral barriers.

Before you make the choice to spend one more day in that bad situation, ask yourself... Is this God's best for me? He is a comforter, support and provider. He plans are for your good and not your harm. Does the situation you are in feel like it is a part of Gods plan?

A friend, @magsmac on twitter sent this video around today, it inspired this post. It reminded me of what my friends are going through. Maybe they will be inspired by this crazy little puppy. If he can do it... They can too. You can almost see the moment before he starts scaling the wall where he asks himself "Is this God's best for me!"



It's true, getting out is not easy. Are you scared of what is on the other side? It is just fear... don't let fear stop your progress. There are lots of things I have done, while afraid. Accept that getting out may be a bit of a challenge, and it may take a little work... your landing might be a little bumpy. But once you get there you have a brand new set of choices.

What I Think: Love

Love
By: Mia Black
6/20/08

I love you. I love going to the movies. I love reading. I love music. I love food. I love writing. For everything that I love, I've forgotten to love me. I've forgotten to take care of me. I forgotten to make me happy. I've forgotten to find comfort within myself. I think I may have even lost me. But the comfort that I have found is that I have not lost the desire to find me. I haven't lost the desire to be happy. I haven't lost the desire to take care of myself. I haven't lost the desire to comfort myself. And I definitely haven't lost the desire to love myself.

The one thing I have noticed is that when you begin to love yourself, the devil gets pissed. The devil will call you out of your name. He will make you feel guilty when you buy nice things for yourself. He will try and knock you off your course and bring you back to the darkside. And I will admit, over the past two months I've turned out my light and joined him. But God is so deep in my heart that He pulls me out, turns the light back on and brushes me off. The comfort I have in His forgiveness is that He has allowed me the strength to face the devil. For so long I have either joined or ignored him and that has truly been the detriment to my life's decisions. So now that I face all of my problems, pain, hurt, emotions, concerns, I can finally close chapters in my life that have been left open. And trust me, they aren't happy times that I have been going through, but they are necessary times.

It's a scary road to travel down, but God has placed so many angels in my life that all I have to do is pick up the phone for guidance and support. I'm so happy I made that call before I got to the nail salon.

Psalms 118:24 Illustrated in Song

What I Know About: Handing it Over

By Jennifer Texada

Earlier this week, I was having a conversation. I was asked if I would "snap" if I saw my guy with another woman. I said no. To that I was told, that I was mistaken, that everyone has a breaking point, and if pressured enough everyone has the potential to do it. THEN! I was told that I have probably never been through anything devastating enough, to understand the feeling.

I have snapped before. Been so angry that I lashed out. I have let my emotions get the best of me, everyone has. I have just finally started to understand that I don't have to do all that.

Those days where people do things that hurt me will still come. I may indeed see my guy with another woman one day. But now, when I am faced with a burden so heavy that I am in danger of buckling under the pressure, or snapping under the strain, I have learned how to had that over to God. He is way stronger than me, and my little burdens will never cause him to snap.

Don't get me wrong it is not automatic. It takes, faith and strength to get to a place where you have the ability in those moments of strife to hand it over. But if your goal is to achieve peace and maintain happiness even through the storms it can be done

I Think: The Battle is Yours

The Battle is Yours

By: Mia Black

When faced with an adverse situation, how do you let the chips fall where they may? Are you a person that welcomes conflict? Do you avoid it at all costs? Are you ever the cause? I've learned that in life we will have controversial situations on all levels, personal, professional, financial, spiritual...but in the end it comes down to how you resolve the conflicts facing you...or someone else?

I come at you today with a sense of peace that has long been missed by me. I have not felt so at peace with my life in probably over a year. And now within the past month, I don't know what to do with myself. Because I fall into the category of welcoming conflict. I get so caught up in it, that peace becomes awkward for me. And right now my home is at peace, my job is at peace, and I feel closer to God than I ever have. So now I'm diving into my friends' controversies and taking on the emotions as if the events are personally happening to me. You can see from my previous post how upset I am with my friend's mother. How dare I. Who am I?

Now I find myself becoming angry with this heffa that is trying to catch and attitude with my girl. That's right, I am name calling'. Why? I have no idea or right, but he acted in a manner that hurt my friend's feelings and has her second guessing her decisions. How dare he....okay and me again. I think it is just the fact that my friends mean so much to me that I don't want to see them get hurt and take it personally when someone has the nerve to hurt them.

So now I guess my self-controversy is, how do I embrace peace and and not make it my personal mission to tackle every adverse situation that has nothing to do with me? Answer is: I'm working on it. I'm trying to just listen and be the shoulder to cry on, rather than taking offense for grown-ass women that can handle themselves. I have resovled the conflicts that have faced me, with their help and the grace of God, but ultimately they have been true friends and alllowed me to live me life...fall when I've needed to, but they have allowed me to fight my own battles.

I Think: Marriage and Faith

By: Mia Black

What do you do when you call yourself a woman of God and you find yourself knocking on the door of divorce? For me I got down on my knees and prayed to God. I don’t know what I prayed for, but I can say that He has stepped in and renewed my faith in His power, His strength, and His on-going presence in my life. No doubt my husband has his shortcomings, but mine are there right alongside his.

My problem stems from my mouth. I talk things to death to all the wrong people. The only person I should be sharing this with is God and other married women that have been in my shoes and stuck through the bad times. But unfortunately I run to my group of friends. Not that I don’t get their blessings, but it is not the same. None of my close friends are married. Some have walked in my shoes and some have had long relationships with the fathers of their children, and some have no children at all, but ultimately marriage was not their final decision like mine. It doesn’t make anybody right or wrong, it just breaks that commonality that once linked all of us.

Because for me right now, I know I am not going to leave my husband. I know that when I came to do this the second time around, that this was it, hell or high water, and God willing; I am going have a 50 year anniversary. Because the one thing I did in this marriage that I didn’t do in my previous marriage is have kids.

Now I’ve been told by numerous people don’t stay married just for the kids. You need to think about you and what’s best for you and your happiness and you, you, you, you….blah, blah, blah. I’m sorry, but I will stay married for my kids. I apologize for my Whitney quote, but I do believe our children are our future. The day I chose to have kids with this man, was the day I vowed to make every effort and sacrifice to ensure they have both parents in their house everyday. This is not law or the way it should be, but it is me being true to the morals and values I was raised with. You marry the person you have children with. And I am not ashamed of these morals or values, to the point that I want to pass them down to my kids. And the only way I can pass them down is to lead by example.

I know my kids have witnessed arguments and they know when we run short on money to pay some of the bills, but are those reasons worth leaving my husband for? Hell no. Because for the rough times that they have experienced, they have seen tenfold the happy times. In my household, it is not mommy that gets them up for school and all that morning stuff that I just can’t handle; that is all Daddy. Daddy get’s them up, dressed, and dropped off at daycare and school everyday. When Mommy needs a break, Daddy takes them to the park or movies and spoils them rotten. Monday is Mommy’s day off so Mommy doesn’t have to do anything. Daddy has the morning and evening routine. Every Saturday and Sunday they sit down to breakfast and dinner with Mommy and Daddy. It would be more, but my husband’s and my schedule are offset. Then there are the holiday eves and mornings that will hopefully set traditions in their lives as they were set in mine.

I use these examples from listening to my friends, co-workers, and acquaintances along my journey in life, and I do hear about the impact that divorce does have on kids. Not seeing or knowing their father. Having to spend the holidays with just one parent or being battled over in court and having to choose which parent. Sorry, just not something I want to put my kids through. So if I have to shed a few tears or not go on a vacation or two, I will do it. My kids are worth it.

I don’t claim to have the answers to a happy marriage, but overall, yes I do believe I have a happy marriage. By no means is it perfect, but God didn’t promise me perfect. And every challenge and every obstacle He has set in my marriage, has made me and my husband grow as individuals and united us as a couple. I will say we have been through some serious tests that I’m sure most marriages won’t experience in a lifetime. But I must constantly remind myself, we have only been married for three years. In the span of forever that I vowed my husband and God; that is nothing. How can I quit on forever when I only gave it three years? I don’t know what God has in store for us. I have and will continue to pray for forever, because I owe it to myself, my husband and most of all God and my kids. And I have the faith in God that He has my back and is working behind the scenes on my behalf.

marriage

What I know about: Being True to Yourself

By: JT

You may find if you choose to live your life in a way that goes against the status quo your choices may be challenged at every turn. I am in a place in my life where I have decide who I want to be, and how I want to live. I want to be happy, I choose to be nice, and try and treat people how I want to be treated. I want to respect my body and my morals and live within my own comfort zone. I want to develop my career, and eat healthy and raise my children to love and respect and behave. I thought these were qualities that I should aspire to. Not everyone thinks so.

At Work
In the office this week, I think I was insulted, but I am not sure. I was told that I was too nice. I did not know this, but apparently you cannot be nice to people at work, you cannot help people if they are not giving you something in return.

I don’t agree, so I am sure that my work relationship with people who feel that way will suffer.
When I go to work every day I want to do my best. I want to work in a way that God would be proud. I choose not be easily offended and choose to be happy even in the face of adversity. Being argumentative, judgmental and insulting to people does not does not accomplish this goal. I cannot imagine anything that anyone at work could say or do to me that would make me compromise my joy, or forsake my positive work ethic.

In Dating
I just started dating after being in relationships for the past 13 years. I come out into the world only to find out, in general if you are not sleeping around, you will only get one date. With almost every guy I have met, we have been on a traditional first date, and then asked to come to their house for the second date. I am a smart girl, I know what they want.
I have been told, by people who love me, I should take full advantage of this time. I should go ahead and have a “booty buddy” and a “out for lunch” guy, and fun party guy and just play the field. I have options and choices, I should just have fun.

No thanks,

I can have fun, but my idea of fun is not stringing multiple men along, or selling my body for a plate of popcorn shrimp. I need to feel comfortable with a person before I share that much of myself with them. I need to know that they care about me and don’t intend to hurt me before I let them so close to me. Call me old fashioned but I think you should have a relationship before you have sex. I can buy my own lunch, and attend parties with my friends, what I want is a companion.

I considered relaxing my standards a bit simply because my friends told me that in order to move forward with my life this is what I had to do. But after thinking it through I decided; the guy that is right for me is going to not only be okay with my standards, but he will care for me and respect me even more for having them. True that guy may be hard to find, but I believe that there are still men out there with morals and respect, and those are the guys for me!

Know who you are, know your standards and your limits and embrace them. Be who you are and love who you are. At the end of the day you and God are the only ones who have to be happy with your decisions about how you “do you”.

What I Know About: Doing it on your own

By Jennifer Texada

I had been married about three months when I started to see the warning signs that I might not be in a healthy relationship. I had been fighting the drama for about a year and a half before I had the courage to step away from this dysfunctional relationship for the first time. I came back about 6 months later, but only to endure about 9 more months of lying and stealing before separation number 2 began. I moved with the responsibility of supporting our two children and he checked himself into an addiction treatment facility. The letters, calls and promises piled up and gave fuel to my fear of moving on. Six months later he was back “home”. This time it took two years before I discovered that not much had changed. I am not sure if he got better at hiding it or if I had gotten better at pretending it did not exist.

Part of the reason that I kept going back is that I wanted my marriage to work. I wanted to honor the vows I took in front of God and our families. I wanted my children to be raised with both their mother and father. The other part of why I kept trying was pure fear. It was the fear that I would not “make it” on my own. On top of the fear, there was this idea that my children could never be whole if I did not press on despite his destructive behavior.

At some point during all of this I decided I was going to stop living in fear. When I finally stepped out on faith and trusted God to take me through this he did exactly that, and all of the obstacles fell out of my way. In facing my fear I learned a few things that helped me to more confidently do it on my own.

1. I can do anything I put my mind to. I used to stay home instead of go to church without my husband, or take a vacation. I used to go months without an oil change or new tires because I felt uncomfortable in auto shops alone. During my times of fear I believed that I needed to keep what I had, because how would I ever manage without it. I realized that it was only fear that was fueling those thoughts. There was no reason that I could not go to church without him. They were just as happy to see me as they were to see us there. So far I have been sold tires, gone on vacation with my friends, brought in my own groceries, called the yard guy to mow the lawn, the list of all of the things I have done on my own is endless. Not only can I do them, I can do them faster. I don’t have to wait for him to decide that my needs are important enough. If I can do it, anyone can.

2. I am enough. I am a child of God and in Him I am sufficient. Having a significant other does not make me any more whole or healthy. Striving for health and wholeness is what makes me healthy and whole. Yes in a perfect world the union of man and woman is blessed, and children thrive with both parents. However, in theory people are also more productive with 2 legs. But what if one of those legs is gangrenous? Should we keep it despite the fact that its existence could devour the entire body? Or remove it, mourn its loss and find wholeness in your life without it? I know that this example is a little harsh but I think it illustrates my point. I know lots of people with 2 legs that never go anywhere. While the few people I know with one leg, live every day to the fullest, and I dare you to tell them they are not whole.

3. I am not alone. I have some wonderful friends and family. I am blessed with so many people who have helped to support myself, and my children through this journey. Before I went through this, I often felt that I could not lean on anyone. I was such and “independent woman” I could do it all. What I soon discovered is that these people love me and are happy to be my rock in time of need. I am not in good spirits every day. When those days come I make a call, and I am encouraged or soothed or listened to. If you feel like you don’t have these people go find them. Join a church, take a class or group counseling session, reconnect with the people you used to know, chances are they are still there and still love you.

I have been through quite a journey. However I feel I am successful in my single-hood. My children are doing well; my ex and I are friends and co-parenting. I have a great job, and making enough to buy MY family a new house. I have a fun and busy life; I do exactly what I want to do, when I want to do it.

I am often asked if I miss the relationship, the companionship? Sometimes, but I don’t miss the fear, pain and uncertainty of the former relationship. Plus, I am so in love with my new life, and I am satisfied with what I have been blessed with today and choose not to be consumed with what I may or may not be lacking.

What I Know About: Stepping out on Faith

By Jennifer Texada
A friend of mine came back from a business trip only to discover that she had no home to come back to. Her condo had been damaged extensively in a flood triggered by a broken pipe. Despite the dismal situation, I had to ask myself: Is this just a leaky pipe, or has God taken all excuses away from my friend so she can move on?

Let me rewind. My friend is 36, never married, has no children, recently broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years, and now her company is about to close and lay everyone off. She has been harboring a secret desire to pack up and move down south away from the snow, high prices and the slim selection of quality black men for a few years now but has yet to do anything but complain about what her life lacks.

Until recently she has always had an excuse. The big one was her boyfriend, he wouldn’t move, so she couldn’t move. But about a year later he decides that he didn’t want to do anything that she wanted to do and they broke up. Then it was her job, it was easy and stable, until they announced they were closing and moving the office to Canada. Next it was the condo and she always thought she could get more if she hung on to it for a little longer. Now she is going to have to invest into it just to get out and hopefully break even. I mean she even tried to tell me once, that she had to stay for her parent's sake, who are now enjoying their winters in sunny Florida. Did all of these obstacles magically disappear or is this Divine intervention?

My last conversation with her drove me to frustration and I exploded with, “JUST GO! Stop whining and move. I mean you can't move forward if you are standing still.” I may not sound too “friend-ish”, but I refuse to I listen to her complain about this for another year!

Do I empathize with her situation? Yes, I know what it is to have fears, but I choose not to let them dictate my life. Whenever I don't like my situation, I do what it takes to get myself into a better one. I have moved about 4 times in the last 7 years. It seems like a lot right? But what if I told you in these 7 years I have accomplished almost all of the goals on my “Life to-do List” would you say the same? I don’t regret a single move, because I know that I am far beyond where I would have been if I stayed in the same spot.

I truly believe in following your heart and pursuing your goals despite all challenges. But what both of these bold moves require is faith. Knowing that you are a part of God’s plan and he will provide a way for you even when you can’t see it. To some, I may look like an unstable nut, but I am a happy nut, pursuing her bliss. I think people are generally afraid to move forward because of a fear of the unknown. They question, What if I do "ABC" and it doesn't work? But when you step out on faith your only focus should be, what if it does?

I want to encourage my friend, and every woman who is striving to make fearless decisions in their lives, keep these two principles in mind: #1 through great risk comes great reward, and #2 God will move you through anything if you just trust in Him.