What I know: Surprise you’re pregnant!

By Jennifer Texada

A very close friend was recently stunned by the news of her own pregnancy. This struck me as odd because she has been praying that she would someday have a child for at least the past 2 years. She has complained endlessly about her desire to get pregnant, her fears of not being able to get pregnant and her regrets for not thinking about this earlier in her life.

So, on Sunday morning I got a call. The stick had one and a half lines, and she was almost in tears. I instructed her to go pee on another stick. On Monday morning I called her “What’s the word?” I asked. The stick had two solid pink lines, and she made the blood test appointment. My response was Hooray!! I am so happy for you, let’s plan the baby shower!! She did not cry, but it was clear that she was not ready to plan the shower.

Her response to this joyous occasion went something like this “But it’s not the right time, I thought it would take longer, can I really do this? I am not ready…what am I going to tell my mother…but I am planning a cruise in June…”

My answer…there is no such thing as the right time to have a baby.

There are better times than others, but no matter how much money you have, you never think you have enough money. No matter what kind of job you have you will never feel like you have enough time. No matter how much support you have you will always feel like the burden rests on you.

Although it may seem that some are more adept than others at this parenting thing, no one is born a parent. I just found out today that damn Dr. Spock, the guy who wrote the book on parenting, had a son that committed suicide. You are the expert on raising your child. I am not saying you should not seek advice, but you know what you hope for your child’s future and parents are are tasked with doing everything in your power to get that done.

I don’t mean to negate her fear. Fear is a natural response to the unknown. As important a job as this is, I would think a first time parent without any trepidation is a parent that does not realize the gravity of their task, or does not care.

I think essentially all that a child needs a parent that cares. If you are willing to try and love this little person and help them to navigate through this weird world of ours you really have nothing to fear.

I have a feeling that this is not the last time I will talk about this. I will try to share what I can about what I know about being a mommy in relation to the questions I am asked by my friend who is about to become a mommy… Congrats girl I am happy for you even if you have not decided to be happy for yourself yet.

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What I know about: Feeding the Monsters

By: Jennifer Texada

Monsters like Fear, Self-doubt, Anger, and Drama come to visit me all of the time. They used to love me, because I would put a bowl of food out for them whenever they would come around. But lately they don’t come around so much anymore, if they do come around they don’t tend to stay long. I don’t feed them anymore, if I do, they don’t get much.

I call them the monsters because they can be so big and destructive. When they creep into your life you can choose to feed them, and give them energy or you can starve them until they go away. And they always go away, eventually.

Feeding the monster is giving it fuel;

Step 1, if I call something drama, no matter how little or big it is, then it becomes drama.

Step 2, I tell my friends about my drama (i.e. Ooh girl, do I am going through some drama…).

Step 3, I let them feed my drama, invite them to comment and get angry or scared right along with me. Now this little issue has become very big, and will continue to grow until it is solved or I stop feeding it.

I know how tempting it is to feed the monsters. It is natural to want to label, validate and discuss your feelings, especially the negative ones. However the key to not creating monsters lies in how and how much you label, validate and discuss them.

It is not to say my life is monster-free, but when it they show up I know I have choices. I try and put those things that challenge me into perspective. If it deserves some energy I try to give it positive energy. If I must speak on it try to talk about its solution, or minimize its importance in the grand scheme of life. If I call it small, then it tends to become small in my mind, and in turn I handle it like a small problem.

If it becomes bigger than I want it to, or I feel like it is getting away from me, I give it to God. In the face of these things I draw my strength from knowing that there is no problem to big for my God to handle. As big or bad as something may seem my God is bigger and badder.

So stop feeding the monster and start greeting the challenges. Life is too short to allow obstacles to take over…and that’s all they are, obstacles. Some may be big, some may be small, but know that God will not give you anything you can’t handle.


Next Article: What I know about: Being happy in the now

What I Know About: Doing it on your own

By Jennifer Texada

I had been married about three months when I started to see the warning signs that I might not be in a healthy relationship. I had been fighting the drama for about a year and a half before I had the courage to step away from this dysfunctional relationship for the first time. I came back about 6 months later, but only to endure about 9 more months of lying and stealing before separation number 2 began. I moved with the responsibility of supporting our two children and he checked himself into an addiction treatment facility. The letters, calls and promises piled up and gave fuel to my fear of moving on. Six months later he was back “home”. This time it took two years before I discovered that not much had changed. I am not sure if he got better at hiding it or if I had gotten better at pretending it did not exist.

Part of the reason that I kept going back is that I wanted my marriage to work. I wanted to honor the vows I took in front of God and our families. I wanted my children to be raised with both their mother and father. The other part of why I kept trying was pure fear. It was the fear that I would not “make it” on my own. On top of the fear, there was this idea that my children could never be whole if I did not press on despite his destructive behavior.

At some point during all of this I decided I was going to stop living in fear. When I finally stepped out on faith and trusted God to take me through this he did exactly that, and all of the obstacles fell out of my way. In facing my fear I learned a few things that helped me to more confidently do it on my own.

1. I can do anything I put my mind to. I used to stay home instead of go to church without my husband, or take a vacation. I used to go months without an oil change or new tires because I felt uncomfortable in auto shops alone. During my times of fear I believed that I needed to keep what I had, because how would I ever manage without it. I realized that it was only fear that was fueling those thoughts. There was no reason that I could not go to church without him. They were just as happy to see me as they were to see us there. So far I have been sold tires, gone on vacation with my friends, brought in my own groceries, called the yard guy to mow the lawn, the list of all of the things I have done on my own is endless. Not only can I do them, I can do them faster. I don’t have to wait for him to decide that my needs are important enough. If I can do it, anyone can.

2. I am enough. I am a child of God and in Him I am sufficient. Having a significant other does not make me any more whole or healthy. Striving for health and wholeness is what makes me healthy and whole. Yes in a perfect world the union of man and woman is blessed, and children thrive with both parents. However, in theory people are also more productive with 2 legs. But what if one of those legs is gangrenous? Should we keep it despite the fact that its existence could devour the entire body? Or remove it, mourn its loss and find wholeness in your life without it? I know that this example is a little harsh but I think it illustrates my point. I know lots of people with 2 legs that never go anywhere. While the few people I know with one leg, live every day to the fullest, and I dare you to tell them they are not whole.

3. I am not alone. I have some wonderful friends and family. I am blessed with so many people who have helped to support myself, and my children through this journey. Before I went through this, I often felt that I could not lean on anyone. I was such and “independent woman” I could do it all. What I soon discovered is that these people love me and are happy to be my rock in time of need. I am not in good spirits every day. When those days come I make a call, and I am encouraged or soothed or listened to. If you feel like you don’t have these people go find them. Join a church, take a class or group counseling session, reconnect with the people you used to know, chances are they are still there and still love you.

I have been through quite a journey. However I feel I am successful in my single-hood. My children are doing well; my ex and I are friends and co-parenting. I have a great job, and making enough to buy MY family a new house. I have a fun and busy life; I do exactly what I want to do, when I want to do it.

I am often asked if I miss the relationship, the companionship? Sometimes, but I don’t miss the fear, pain and uncertainty of the former relationship. Plus, I am so in love with my new life, and I am satisfied with what I have been blessed with today and choose not to be consumed with what I may or may not be lacking.