What I know About: Your Place in My Life

I hear from husbands all the time that they wish that their wife was their "best friend". In the case of my best friend her husband, although we are also friends gets a bit jealous of our relationship. He often wishes that she would tell him all of the things that she tells me, or our other friend that she talks to all of the time.

Her answer to this was that "They are my best friends...You are my husband". When she said it, it made perfect sense to me. A husband is one type of relationship. I think of it as part relative, part business partner, part boyfriend.

She explained to him that I could not serve as her husband... we did not live together, we have no children together, all that we do is talk on the phone or visit or travel every once in a while. Our relationship is not the same.

I am not sure what it is that husbands "think" that they want to take over this relationship? They don't go around saying things like I want to be your mother, or your sister, or your boss? These are all relationships that give you access to insight into your wife... why not that?

I am beginning to believe that every relationship in your life is different. You will not share the same experiences that you do with your spouse, as you do with your mother and father, as you do with your children. My relationship with my aunts is going to be diffent than yours with your aunts. Even the relationships that I have with my children are different from each other. All though the relationships I have with them are both wonderful, they different, and I treasure them both for different reasons.

All and all If I ever marry again my husband probably won't be my best friend, my best friend will remain the same person that it has been for the past 16/17 years. He will be my husband and that will be a relationship that will stand on it's own merit.

What I know About: Standing Up for You

I used to be one of these people who would hold my tongue to keep the peace. I thought it was soooooooo Christian to let things slide. After so many years of doing that I finally exploded and decided that the best way of dealing with negativity is to weed it out of my life. As soon as I saw it coming my way I just headed in the other direction. I cut myself off from anyone who caused me undue stress, and I lived a quite happy, sort of lonely life.

But eventually I realized that many of the people who pushed my buttons were not going to go away so easily. After a few years of avoiding them I realized that I had sort of lost my ability to even manage these encounters without totally breaking down.

Then I realized...since when did being Christian mean that you should let people talk to you disrespectfully, or take advantage of your kindness. In essence ignoring those exchanges is a form of lying. You lie to yourself, when you tell yourself that what they say does not matter. You lie to them, and trick them into believing that their behavior is okay and appropriate in exchanges with you.

I have decided to kick that habit. If there is something I don’t like I stop, and address it head on, I try to address it with directness and patience. I try and understand the position of the aggressor. Cultural background, personal experience and educational level sometimes helps you to understand why that person feels that their behavior is okay. I try not to assume that they are being hurtful on purpose. I assume that they just don’t know or understand that the behavior that they are exhibiting is not appropriate for me and will not be tolerated…without consequences.

That does not mean make idle threats. If you must attach consequences, make them ones that you might actually follow through with. Don’t say things like, if you don’t (your demand here) I am kicking you out and filing for full custody, especially if you have no job and no intention on doing that. That is a lie and the more often you do that the less credibility you have.

Be a woman (or whatever you are)! Stand up for yourself respectfully, openly and honestly. Yes in the beginning you may have more conflict, but I believe as time goes on, and you are consistent with this behavior the aggressor in your life will begin to understand that you are not the one to mess with.

What I know about: Getting out of a Bad Situation

I do not subscribe to going when the going gets tough but I do think that you should not let you health, sanity and well being be put in jeopardy. I know there are reasons why we convince ourselves to stay in bad situations, but the reasons are generally based on short term thinking.

Today I have two friends in situations that warrant an escape plan. One is in a marriage that has been on a steady downhill track since the were pronounced man and wife. It just took another big tumble yesterday. The other in a job where no matter what she does, they will find a way to fire her. She just got to the fork in the road this afternoon. Both know that they probably need to get themselves to safer ground, but both hesitate because, of perceived financial, and moral barriers.

Before you make the choice to spend one more day in that bad situation, ask yourself... Is this God's best for me? He is a comforter, support and provider. He plans are for your good and not your harm. Does the situation you are in feel like it is a part of Gods plan?

A friend, @magsmac on twitter sent this video around today, it inspired this post. It reminded me of what my friends are going through. Maybe they will be inspired by this crazy little puppy. If he can do it... They can too. You can almost see the moment before he starts scaling the wall where he asks himself "Is this God's best for me!"



It's true, getting out is not easy. Are you scared of what is on the other side? It is just fear... don't let fear stop your progress. There are lots of things I have done, while afraid. Accept that getting out may be a bit of a challenge, and it may take a little work... your landing might be a little bumpy. But once you get there you have a brand new set of choices.

What I Think: Love

Love
By: Mia Black
6/20/08

I love you. I love going to the movies. I love reading. I love music. I love food. I love writing. For everything that I love, I've forgotten to love me. I've forgotten to take care of me. I forgotten to make me happy. I've forgotten to find comfort within myself. I think I may have even lost me. But the comfort that I have found is that I have not lost the desire to find me. I haven't lost the desire to be happy. I haven't lost the desire to take care of myself. I haven't lost the desire to comfort myself. And I definitely haven't lost the desire to love myself.

The one thing I have noticed is that when you begin to love yourself, the devil gets pissed. The devil will call you out of your name. He will make you feel guilty when you buy nice things for yourself. He will try and knock you off your course and bring you back to the darkside. And I will admit, over the past two months I've turned out my light and joined him. But God is so deep in my heart that He pulls me out, turns the light back on and brushes me off. The comfort I have in His forgiveness is that He has allowed me the strength to face the devil. For so long I have either joined or ignored him and that has truly been the detriment to my life's decisions. So now that I face all of my problems, pain, hurt, emotions, concerns, I can finally close chapters in my life that have been left open. And trust me, they aren't happy times that I have been going through, but they are necessary times.

It's a scary road to travel down, but God has placed so many angels in my life that all I have to do is pick up the phone for guidance and support. I'm so happy I made that call before I got to the nail salon.

What I know about: Pooing or Getting off the Pot

By Jennifer Texada

I would like to tell you the story of the little wifey who cried fowl! Every 6 months her hubby would do something that was so much fun for him but she did not like it at all. When she found out what he did she began to shot "FOWL" you are a bad bad man and I don't like you. If you do that again I will go away and never ever come back. She yelled so loud that the children and the dog, and her mom and dad and all of the village could hear her shouts. All of the people said "He had better never do that again or she will for sure keep her promise and never return". So he said "So sorry my dear I will never do it again".

So 6 months would come and go and he did it again and she yelled "FOWL!" You are a very very bad guy and I don't like what you have done. If you you do it again I will go far far away and never come back. So...6 more months would come and go and he would do it again and then...I am sure you know how the next part of this story goes.

So this went on for years and years. Neither the hubby nor wife ever got happiness or satisfaction the children were confused and the village just stopped listening.

The empty promise maker is as guilty in this story as the promise breaker. The more empty promises you make the further you degrade your own credibility. If you do not feel you are getting respect from the folks closest to you perhaps you should retrace your steps to find out where you may have lost that respect.

These are basic "street sense" rules... Don't make threats you can't deliver on. That does not mean that you should not stand up for yourself, it just means that in the heat of anger choose your words carefully.

I Think: This Is What It's About?

This Is What It's About?
By: Mia L. Black
12/18/07

I woke up on Sunday morning to the soft cooing of our 19 month-old daughter down the hall in her crib. My eyes flickered and I turned to roll over to my snoring husband, only to hear, "ouch" from our six year-old daughter, who had snuck into the bed in the wee hours of the morning. I apologize for elbowing her and relay that I did not see her, only to be interrupted by a loud, "Mooomeeeee" from down the hall. Apparently our voices had traveled and now she wanted to be included in all the fun. It was going on nine o'clock as I swung my feet out of bed. I had actually gotten to "sleep in."

I stepped into the hallway and caught a glimpse of my daughter facing me with arms in the air, ready for me to scoop her up. My major dilemma at this point came down to, do I go pick her up, change her, and let her begin her day, or do I make a quick pit stop at the bathroom and listen to her scream and cry as I disappear from sight? I opt for the latter. No sooner do I get into the bathroom...the wailing begins. The door is wide open, I try to soothe her as I finish my business and wash my hands. Meanwhile, my husband still lay at rest and my six year-old is standing in the doorway giving me the second to second update of her sister's tantrum. Mind you I have only been up for four minutes.

I get the kids situated, fed and begin dinner. Because I am going to make a beef stew and crock pot it all day, I want to turn it on for at least six hours. What should take about twenty minutes from beginning to end, takes me close to forty-five. I have opted to only get involved in my daughters' arguments if they become physical. Unfortunately for dinner that happened three times....all the while, my husband lay at peace in the bedroom. I finally finished dinner preparation and tried to figure out what I would eat for breakfast at about eleven o'clock. I made me and my husband breakfast, which of course made my daughters hungry again. As we were finishing our breakfast (going on noon) I had the idea to write this exact blog. My husband said he would take care of the dishes and put the baby down for her afternoon nap. With the girls sharing a bedroom, nap time means our oldest must remove everything she wants to play with before the baby goes down. This usually means all of her toys take over my living room.

I get to my couch, coffee in hand and pull my laptop out. I check my emails and try to formulate in my head what I am going to write. I kick out my first sentence and my daughter leans on me to view what I am writing. I know this doesn't sound right, but after about four times of telling her to stop leaning on me and go play, I wanted to just push her. Yes, I said it, a grown ass woman felt like pushing a six year-old. I was not able to get through three more sentences with any type of flow, because every time she moved I would punch the wrong key. I spent more time correcting than I did typing. Meanwhile, my husband had gone back to bed. As I complete my first paragraph, she now tells me she wants lunch. I am so annoyed at this point, that I tell her to go tell her father.

Finally peace.I reread what I have typed and erase it all. Not at all where I wanted to go with the story. Two minutes into my peace, I can hear my daughter running towards the living room. "Mommy, Daddy said come quick into the kitchen. He's not even playin'. It's really an emergency." She retreats. I close my computer down defeated. I make the decision not to jump right to my husband's rescue, but instead lean my head back and take a quick doze. Upon his messenger's second request, I drag myself into the kitchen. My husband is wiping spillage around the crock pot with my good hand towel. This is the emergency? I think to myself. How could this be an emergency? I'm only glad I came into the kitchen when I did, after he tells me what he was going to do to our dinner. He was going to dump out all the "juice." I'm thinking "juice?" You mean you were going to dump out the stew? I repot the stew and save dinner.

My daughter goes and eats her lunch and I begin my blog again. Again my husband returns to bed. At this point I begin to think, is this what it's all about? Is this life when you have no plans? If not for the horrible weather, we probably would have gone shopping or to go visit someone, but I had no plans. I wasn't pulling the family out into the storm. So now all four of us are stuck in the house, all trying to do our own thing, but I seem to be the only one jumping to everyone's rescue. Because no sooner am I a paragraph into my blog, when our youngest wakes up. I try to outwait my husband, but he is not trying to budge from his rest. All the while our six year-old is running to each one of us, to announce that her sister is awake. I finally get up annoyed and stomp to our daughter's room. I peak up the hallway to see my husband act as if he is going to get out of bed. I kiss my daughter, take her out of her crib, and bring her and a new diaper to my bedroom. I drop them off and turn to leave the room. I stumble over my six year-old because since I left the living room, she has been inches from me.

She follows me to the bathroom and I gently push her back from the door, and proceed to shut and lock the door behind me. I don't have to go to the bathroom, but it is the only door that has a lock. I sit on the toilet and hear my daughter cry outside. A minute goes by and the crying is joined by, "Moooooomeeeeeeeee". I'm not sure how much time passed until they realize I wasn't coming out. But I finally won when I heard the sweet sound of victory, "Daaaaadeeeeeee." I smile and listen to him tell them to go find me. They tattle and relay I am locked in the bathroom. My victory is short lived because then I have all three of them on the other side of the door trying to get in. Again I question myself, is this what it's about? Is this what my life has come to? Locking myself away from my family? In the bathroom at that?I summon up the courage and unlock the door. I look into hurt confused faces and try to step around them and make my way back to the living room. Before I take a second step, my husband wants to know what is wrong, my six year-old tells me she is going to poop and will need help wiping herself, all the while in the background, "Mommy, Mommy, Mooommmeeee."

I somehow feel like a bad mom, because I have done nothing with my family. I decide to make Christmas cookies. My husband finds a new location to do nothing, the living room with the football game. I pull out bowls, ingredients, and the mixer. I take the youngest into the living room and ask my husband if he can watch her while we make cookies. He doesn't budge and says yes. I don't even make it back to the kitchen before I hear a little pitter patter following me back into the kitchen. I go back and stand in the doorway and glare at my husband. He is completely dumbfounded and asks me "What?" He looks back at the TV and calls for our youngest. I manage to make the cookie dough and then have to deal with a meltdown with my daughter, because she doesn't understand why you have to refrigerate the dough after you make it.

By this time I want to fall on my face and I am checking the clock at three in the afternoon. Five more hours, just five more hours until bedtime. Again, is this what it's all about? Six hours in with these people and I'm already wishing it was their bedtime? But I won't allow them to break me, I press on and walk into the living room. My husband is getting on his shoveling gear and the kids are within inches of him. I've come to notice with these little people, there is no such thing as personal space. They have to be right on top of you. I decide to let them get a little energy out...I simply lie on the floor. I don't make it all the way down until they are on top of me. Laughing, giggling and having a ball at my expense, all because I am laying on the floor and they are able to sit, jump and play on top of me. My husband goes outside to shovel and I play as their jungle gym for the next twenty minutes.

I look at their happy faces and am able to answer my question with the question. Yes, this is what it's about. It's about being the occasional jungle gym, the referee, the cook, the refugee, the caretaker, the problem solver...all and all, it's summed up in two words, mother/wife. So it may be two days later that I am now getting the peace to write and post this blog, but these past two days with my family have been worth it.

I Think: Marriage and Faith

By: Mia Black

What do you do when you call yourself a woman of God and you find yourself knocking on the door of divorce? For me I got down on my knees and prayed to God. I don’t know what I prayed for, but I can say that He has stepped in and renewed my faith in His power, His strength, and His on-going presence in my life. No doubt my husband has his shortcomings, but mine are there right alongside his.

My problem stems from my mouth. I talk things to death to all the wrong people. The only person I should be sharing this with is God and other married women that have been in my shoes and stuck through the bad times. But unfortunately I run to my group of friends. Not that I don’t get their blessings, but it is not the same. None of my close friends are married. Some have walked in my shoes and some have had long relationships with the fathers of their children, and some have no children at all, but ultimately marriage was not their final decision like mine. It doesn’t make anybody right or wrong, it just breaks that commonality that once linked all of us.

Because for me right now, I know I am not going to leave my husband. I know that when I came to do this the second time around, that this was it, hell or high water, and God willing; I am going have a 50 year anniversary. Because the one thing I did in this marriage that I didn’t do in my previous marriage is have kids.

Now I’ve been told by numerous people don’t stay married just for the kids. You need to think about you and what’s best for you and your happiness and you, you, you, you….blah, blah, blah. I’m sorry, but I will stay married for my kids. I apologize for my Whitney quote, but I do believe our children are our future. The day I chose to have kids with this man, was the day I vowed to make every effort and sacrifice to ensure they have both parents in their house everyday. This is not law or the way it should be, but it is me being true to the morals and values I was raised with. You marry the person you have children with. And I am not ashamed of these morals or values, to the point that I want to pass them down to my kids. And the only way I can pass them down is to lead by example.

I know my kids have witnessed arguments and they know when we run short on money to pay some of the bills, but are those reasons worth leaving my husband for? Hell no. Because for the rough times that they have experienced, they have seen tenfold the happy times. In my household, it is not mommy that gets them up for school and all that morning stuff that I just can’t handle; that is all Daddy. Daddy get’s them up, dressed, and dropped off at daycare and school everyday. When Mommy needs a break, Daddy takes them to the park or movies and spoils them rotten. Monday is Mommy’s day off so Mommy doesn’t have to do anything. Daddy has the morning and evening routine. Every Saturday and Sunday they sit down to breakfast and dinner with Mommy and Daddy. It would be more, but my husband’s and my schedule are offset. Then there are the holiday eves and mornings that will hopefully set traditions in their lives as they were set in mine.

I use these examples from listening to my friends, co-workers, and acquaintances along my journey in life, and I do hear about the impact that divorce does have on kids. Not seeing or knowing their father. Having to spend the holidays with just one parent or being battled over in court and having to choose which parent. Sorry, just not something I want to put my kids through. So if I have to shed a few tears or not go on a vacation or two, I will do it. My kids are worth it.

I don’t claim to have the answers to a happy marriage, but overall, yes I do believe I have a happy marriage. By no means is it perfect, but God didn’t promise me perfect. And every challenge and every obstacle He has set in my marriage, has made me and my husband grow as individuals and united us as a couple. I will say we have been through some serious tests that I’m sure most marriages won’t experience in a lifetime. But I must constantly remind myself, we have only been married for three years. In the span of forever that I vowed my husband and God; that is nothing. How can I quit on forever when I only gave it three years? I don’t know what God has in store for us. I have and will continue to pray for forever, because I owe it to myself, my husband and most of all God and my kids. And I have the faith in God that He has my back and is working behind the scenes on my behalf.

marriage

What are You bringing to the Table?

By: Mia Black

In recent months the topic of relationships has continually come up in my random discussions with friends. Some friends are married, others going through divorce, and some are on the dating scene. Despite the difference in relationship types, I keep hearing the same themes over and over again, to the point that I feel compelled to explore and discuss the current state relationships between men and women as I see it and as they have been presented to me.

It is a complex subject, so I am going to take baby bites and start at step one with the dating scene, and “The Hunt for Mr. Right.” I will explore this entire subject from a black woman’s point of view and dating/marrying the black man. It is not that other races cannot relate, but the women and men that I talk to and hear about are of African-American descent.

Now back to the question at hand, what are you bringing to the table? I ask this question because I believe how you answer this question is going to determine how well you sustain that life-long commitment that you have made or will decide to make. In order to sustain a lasting relation ship you have to really know yourself and what you have to offer someone else before you gout out there trying to offer “it”.

• Are you are the type to just show up to the table waiting for dinner to be served, you have pushed at least 90% of your relationship’s responsibility on your significant other.

• Do you show up at least with the table setting, you are showing an honest effort, and you can raise your expectations a little?

• Or are you waiting at the table custom place settings and five-course meal spread.

Waiting to be Served: All of us have encountered this person in our pursuit of happiness at one point or another. Men may call her a goldigger, and women may quote TLC and call him a scrub. By either name, this person offers you nothing but a head and heartache. They are needy because they have nothing to offer so they suck the living life out of you. Unfortunately the more soft-hearted person gets caught up in being needed and providing a little longer than necessary, because you can’t do anything but feel sorry for this person.

The Scrub/The Goldigger: This person has no car, no job (by choice), excessive debt, and a couch in their friend’s living room is their home or in other words, no adult responsibilities. I am by no means bashing this person because I believe there is someone out there for everyone. The problem I have is that they always leave the person serving the five-course wondering why their love and efforts have not been reciprocated.

Now I’m not a psychologist or some expert on relationships, but from my experience in dealing with this person, they really don’t take anything seriously. Because when you get to the point to where I was, (wanting to settle down and get married), investing your time on the this person became draining and expensive. Supporting someone who was not ready to become an adult yet, was not who I was looking to raise a family with.

Ready to Set the Table: Now this person may not be exactly where you are in life, but they have getting there. I think this is the person who most of us date and end up marrying. They have their life together, for the most part. By the time you realize that there are some real flaws, you have already let your guard down and are well into the relationship. But you may have also gotten to a point in the relationship that you feel comfortable with disagreeing and voicing your opinions, and begin to feel like all you do is fight. Are these just arguments or warning signs that this is not really the right person for you.

Just an Argument Vs. Warning Signs: There is such a big difference between the two. Let’s be honest, within any relationship arguments are going to occur. For instance you are dating for four months and your partner asks to borrow $300. Whoa! But let’s face it finances can mess up any relationship/marriage. And it’s happening more and more these days, opening our wallets before there’s even an engagement ring. Just an Argument: you’re upset because you are giving up $300, but the transmission in his car just went. But because you have your own car, you know car repairs never come cheap and they have the poorest financial timing. Warning Sign: He wants to go on a trip with his buddies. Hmmm…$300 for a trip you’re not even invited to. Does this make sense? Blowing your last dime on a trip for him?

The tricky part about the warning sign is that we have all at one point in our lives ignored them in the hopes for the “change”. And in the process of waiting for that miraculous change, we have wasted valuable years just to have the relationship end anyways or we end up bringing children into the mix.

The Five-Course Meal: This person is the full package, the one that we are all pretty much looking for. They have their quirks, but basically everyone in this relationship is on the same page (you have both completed your education, you are at the same level in your careers, your financial goals and savings are on point, family values are similar). But unfortunately many of us rushed, out of desperation to achieve marriage and a family by age __ (everyone’s goal is different), and haven’t waited for this person. Instead we have let the above examples in and become comfortable with our lower expectations.

Well this sums up the dating scene players. In a blog to post by the end of next week, I will go into more depth about how we need to date all of these types of people.

WAIT! Before you read the next blog do these two things for me.

1) Figure out which person you are

2) Figure out which person you date

I Think: We should remember to love...ourselves

By Mia Black

The funny thing about love is that we always refer to it in reference to someone else. But we never examine it when it comes to loving ourselves. I’ve heard, “Love hurts”, “All is fair in love and whatever”, or “Love will conquer all.” But the truth that I’ve slowly become to see; is that loving me doesn’t hurt, it is fair, and love alone will not conquer all. After being in my marriage for two years and my relationship for six, I’ve recently discovered that I have lost me.

I accept full and total responsibility for the changes I have made to accommodate my relationship/marriage. Some of these changes have come because they are life changes that I wanted to make like, moving from Virginia back to Massachusetts, having two children, and getting married. I wouldn’t take back any of these decisions. They have shaped who I am, and I now know they were part of God’s plan for me.

The one regret I have is that I have chosen my marriage above my all of my own needs. I no longer exist. I have become a wife and a mother. I am either doing for my husband or I am doing for my children, but rarely do I ever do for me. The problem I am encountering is that I now want me back. I’m not saying I want to forfeit my marriage or parental duties, but I know if I’m going to be of any value to my husband and my children, my sense of individualism needs to return.

I am slowly finding myself again by seeking guidance through God. It has not been a simple process and I have slipped and fallen many a times, but to date, he has not steered me wrong. I have begun to love myself again for the first time again in about ten years.

Part of loving myself is accepting me for who I am. Accepting that I am far from perfect, and I don’t have to be. Striving to stop looking and pointing out imperfections in others and begin working on my own. Finally, letting go of trying to control the free will of other.

Rather than allowing these things to consume me, I have surrendered them all to God and allowed him to take over the steering wheel. Now, cannot say that I have not perfected this yet and sometimes I am a backseat driver, but He has placed plenty of angels in my path in the forms of my best friends to keep me on course. They remind constantly that it is a process and to pray and keep my faith, and if I do this everything that is meant to be will come to pass.

God has shown me that I have passed the test of loving others, but I now have to accomplish loving myself. The first step in this journey is to find that individual that was here before marriage and parenthood. The second and final step is to trust that God will take me where I need to go.

What I Know About: Doing it on your own

By Jennifer Texada

I had been married about three months when I started to see the warning signs that I might not be in a healthy relationship. I had been fighting the drama for about a year and a half before I had the courage to step away from this dysfunctional relationship for the first time. I came back about 6 months later, but only to endure about 9 more months of lying and stealing before separation number 2 began. I moved with the responsibility of supporting our two children and he checked himself into an addiction treatment facility. The letters, calls and promises piled up and gave fuel to my fear of moving on. Six months later he was back “home”. This time it took two years before I discovered that not much had changed. I am not sure if he got better at hiding it or if I had gotten better at pretending it did not exist.

Part of the reason that I kept going back is that I wanted my marriage to work. I wanted to honor the vows I took in front of God and our families. I wanted my children to be raised with both their mother and father. The other part of why I kept trying was pure fear. It was the fear that I would not “make it” on my own. On top of the fear, there was this idea that my children could never be whole if I did not press on despite his destructive behavior.

At some point during all of this I decided I was going to stop living in fear. When I finally stepped out on faith and trusted God to take me through this he did exactly that, and all of the obstacles fell out of my way. In facing my fear I learned a few things that helped me to more confidently do it on my own.

1. I can do anything I put my mind to. I used to stay home instead of go to church without my husband, or take a vacation. I used to go months without an oil change or new tires because I felt uncomfortable in auto shops alone. During my times of fear I believed that I needed to keep what I had, because how would I ever manage without it. I realized that it was only fear that was fueling those thoughts. There was no reason that I could not go to church without him. They were just as happy to see me as they were to see us there. So far I have been sold tires, gone on vacation with my friends, brought in my own groceries, called the yard guy to mow the lawn, the list of all of the things I have done on my own is endless. Not only can I do them, I can do them faster. I don’t have to wait for him to decide that my needs are important enough. If I can do it, anyone can.

2. I am enough. I am a child of God and in Him I am sufficient. Having a significant other does not make me any more whole or healthy. Striving for health and wholeness is what makes me healthy and whole. Yes in a perfect world the union of man and woman is blessed, and children thrive with both parents. However, in theory people are also more productive with 2 legs. But what if one of those legs is gangrenous? Should we keep it despite the fact that its existence could devour the entire body? Or remove it, mourn its loss and find wholeness in your life without it? I know that this example is a little harsh but I think it illustrates my point. I know lots of people with 2 legs that never go anywhere. While the few people I know with one leg, live every day to the fullest, and I dare you to tell them they are not whole.

3. I am not alone. I have some wonderful friends and family. I am blessed with so many people who have helped to support myself, and my children through this journey. Before I went through this, I often felt that I could not lean on anyone. I was such and “independent woman” I could do it all. What I soon discovered is that these people love me and are happy to be my rock in time of need. I am not in good spirits every day. When those days come I make a call, and I am encouraged or soothed or listened to. If you feel like you don’t have these people go find them. Join a church, take a class or group counseling session, reconnect with the people you used to know, chances are they are still there and still love you.

I have been through quite a journey. However I feel I am successful in my single-hood. My children are doing well; my ex and I are friends and co-parenting. I have a great job, and making enough to buy MY family a new house. I have a fun and busy life; I do exactly what I want to do, when I want to do it.

I am often asked if I miss the relationship, the companionship? Sometimes, but I don’t miss the fear, pain and uncertainty of the former relationship. Plus, I am so in love with my new life, and I am satisfied with what I have been blessed with today and choose not to be consumed with what I may or may not be lacking.