I Think: Marriage and Faith

By: Mia Black

What do you do when you call yourself a woman of God and you find yourself knocking on the door of divorce? For me I got down on my knees and prayed to God. I don’t know what I prayed for, but I can say that He has stepped in and renewed my faith in His power, His strength, and His on-going presence in my life. No doubt my husband has his shortcomings, but mine are there right alongside his.

My problem stems from my mouth. I talk things to death to all the wrong people. The only person I should be sharing this with is God and other married women that have been in my shoes and stuck through the bad times. But unfortunately I run to my group of friends. Not that I don’t get their blessings, but it is not the same. None of my close friends are married. Some have walked in my shoes and some have had long relationships with the fathers of their children, and some have no children at all, but ultimately marriage was not their final decision like mine. It doesn’t make anybody right or wrong, it just breaks that commonality that once linked all of us.

Because for me right now, I know I am not going to leave my husband. I know that when I came to do this the second time around, that this was it, hell or high water, and God willing; I am going have a 50 year anniversary. Because the one thing I did in this marriage that I didn’t do in my previous marriage is have kids.

Now I’ve been told by numerous people don’t stay married just for the kids. You need to think about you and what’s best for you and your happiness and you, you, you, you….blah, blah, blah. I’m sorry, but I will stay married for my kids. I apologize for my Whitney quote, but I do believe our children are our future. The day I chose to have kids with this man, was the day I vowed to make every effort and sacrifice to ensure they have both parents in their house everyday. This is not law or the way it should be, but it is me being true to the morals and values I was raised with. You marry the person you have children with. And I am not ashamed of these morals or values, to the point that I want to pass them down to my kids. And the only way I can pass them down is to lead by example.

I know my kids have witnessed arguments and they know when we run short on money to pay some of the bills, but are those reasons worth leaving my husband for? Hell no. Because for the rough times that they have experienced, they have seen tenfold the happy times. In my household, it is not mommy that gets them up for school and all that morning stuff that I just can’t handle; that is all Daddy. Daddy get’s them up, dressed, and dropped off at daycare and school everyday. When Mommy needs a break, Daddy takes them to the park or movies and spoils them rotten. Monday is Mommy’s day off so Mommy doesn’t have to do anything. Daddy has the morning and evening routine. Every Saturday and Sunday they sit down to breakfast and dinner with Mommy and Daddy. It would be more, but my husband’s and my schedule are offset. Then there are the holiday eves and mornings that will hopefully set traditions in their lives as they were set in mine.

I use these examples from listening to my friends, co-workers, and acquaintances along my journey in life, and I do hear about the impact that divorce does have on kids. Not seeing or knowing their father. Having to spend the holidays with just one parent or being battled over in court and having to choose which parent. Sorry, just not something I want to put my kids through. So if I have to shed a few tears or not go on a vacation or two, I will do it. My kids are worth it.

I don’t claim to have the answers to a happy marriage, but overall, yes I do believe I have a happy marriage. By no means is it perfect, but God didn’t promise me perfect. And every challenge and every obstacle He has set in my marriage, has made me and my husband grow as individuals and united us as a couple. I will say we have been through some serious tests that I’m sure most marriages won’t experience in a lifetime. But I must constantly remind myself, we have only been married for three years. In the span of forever that I vowed my husband and God; that is nothing. How can I quit on forever when I only gave it three years? I don’t know what God has in store for us. I have and will continue to pray for forever, because I owe it to myself, my husband and most of all God and my kids. And I have the faith in God that He has my back and is working behind the scenes on my behalf.

marriage

What I Know About: Doing it on your own

By Jennifer Texada

I had been married about three months when I started to see the warning signs that I might not be in a healthy relationship. I had been fighting the drama for about a year and a half before I had the courage to step away from this dysfunctional relationship for the first time. I came back about 6 months later, but only to endure about 9 more months of lying and stealing before separation number 2 began. I moved with the responsibility of supporting our two children and he checked himself into an addiction treatment facility. The letters, calls and promises piled up and gave fuel to my fear of moving on. Six months later he was back “home”. This time it took two years before I discovered that not much had changed. I am not sure if he got better at hiding it or if I had gotten better at pretending it did not exist.

Part of the reason that I kept going back is that I wanted my marriage to work. I wanted to honor the vows I took in front of God and our families. I wanted my children to be raised with both their mother and father. The other part of why I kept trying was pure fear. It was the fear that I would not “make it” on my own. On top of the fear, there was this idea that my children could never be whole if I did not press on despite his destructive behavior.

At some point during all of this I decided I was going to stop living in fear. When I finally stepped out on faith and trusted God to take me through this he did exactly that, and all of the obstacles fell out of my way. In facing my fear I learned a few things that helped me to more confidently do it on my own.

1. I can do anything I put my mind to. I used to stay home instead of go to church without my husband, or take a vacation. I used to go months without an oil change or new tires because I felt uncomfortable in auto shops alone. During my times of fear I believed that I needed to keep what I had, because how would I ever manage without it. I realized that it was only fear that was fueling those thoughts. There was no reason that I could not go to church without him. They were just as happy to see me as they were to see us there. So far I have been sold tires, gone on vacation with my friends, brought in my own groceries, called the yard guy to mow the lawn, the list of all of the things I have done on my own is endless. Not only can I do them, I can do them faster. I don’t have to wait for him to decide that my needs are important enough. If I can do it, anyone can.

2. I am enough. I am a child of God and in Him I am sufficient. Having a significant other does not make me any more whole or healthy. Striving for health and wholeness is what makes me healthy and whole. Yes in a perfect world the union of man and woman is blessed, and children thrive with both parents. However, in theory people are also more productive with 2 legs. But what if one of those legs is gangrenous? Should we keep it despite the fact that its existence could devour the entire body? Or remove it, mourn its loss and find wholeness in your life without it? I know that this example is a little harsh but I think it illustrates my point. I know lots of people with 2 legs that never go anywhere. While the few people I know with one leg, live every day to the fullest, and I dare you to tell them they are not whole.

3. I am not alone. I have some wonderful friends and family. I am blessed with so many people who have helped to support myself, and my children through this journey. Before I went through this, I often felt that I could not lean on anyone. I was such and “independent woman” I could do it all. What I soon discovered is that these people love me and are happy to be my rock in time of need. I am not in good spirits every day. When those days come I make a call, and I am encouraged or soothed or listened to. If you feel like you don’t have these people go find them. Join a church, take a class or group counseling session, reconnect with the people you used to know, chances are they are still there and still love you.

I have been through quite a journey. However I feel I am successful in my single-hood. My children are doing well; my ex and I are friends and co-parenting. I have a great job, and making enough to buy MY family a new house. I have a fun and busy life; I do exactly what I want to do, when I want to do it.

I am often asked if I miss the relationship, the companionship? Sometimes, but I don’t miss the fear, pain and uncertainty of the former relationship. Plus, I am so in love with my new life, and I am satisfied with what I have been blessed with today and choose not to be consumed with what I may or may not be lacking.