What I've Learned: Lessons from a bigot

By. Jennifer Texada

Got into another heated debate with a single man that will remain nameless, about women and how he feels about us in general. His perspective goes something like this. “Every time something bad in my life has happened a woman has been in the room.” He went on to include gems like "Women never do anything for you, they are only out to use men."He ended that sentence with “except you” What a charmer.

I felt like for a moment I was talking to a bigot. If he had replaced “woman” with "the N word" in every sentence he would have sounded like a klan member. I have heard people of other races say to me…Blacks are this and blacks are that, but not you, you are different. This did not make me feel any better about the statements. I still take them to heart and an insult to my people, still feels like an insult to me. My race, my gender, my family, my hometown...

When I could not take it anymore, and went straight into defensive mode. I

• pointed out the flaws in his reasoning
• mentioned that I had men were not so flawless either, and
  
• every time these “bad things” happened there were two people in the room, the evil bad woman and HIM!
  

In hind sight, I was wrong. I have seen the skinheads on Maury, and that approach never works!I should have just told him how sad I feel for him. That his way of life is only damaging him, and his potential for happiness. Those people who hurt him have won for as long as he allows this way of thinking hold him back. They have stolen his faith in half of mankind, and if they are all as bad as he says they are, the do not deserve that privilege.

Then I realized... is this what I sound like when I am mad at my ex? I have sat around with girlfriends and talked about how men stink, or why they do some of the awful things they do. I don’t really think that all men stink. Despite my negative experiences, I think that there are some wonderful men out there in the world. Ones that are responsible and smart and do an excellent job taking care of their families.

Thank you…you know who you are... for you bigoted opinion of an entire gender, and your willingness to share your venomous hatred with me. I have been self checked. I will from now on try my best not to participate in man bashing sessions. I see first hand the kind of damage this behavior can do in a life.

I Think: "Strong Independent Black Woman" ?

Strong Independent Black Woman?
By: Mia Black
1/15/08

Last Friday I was forwarded an e-mail which was titled, The Epitome of a Strong Black Woman. Once I finished reading the e-mail in its entirety, I had to stop the madness. Below I have included a copy of the e-mail:

As we began 2008, resolutions abound, but are quickly abandoned, within a few weeks time. Some have said that this will be “The Year of Women”. However, old habits, attitudes, and destructive behaviors die hard. This coming year, all women should make a concerted effort to live up to the ideals that they profess and strive to become the very epitome of Strong Women…a queen, who not only has her life together but her head too.

Therefore, women should resolve to Love, Love, Love Yourself. There’s only one of you, so love yourself to death!

Stop Playing the Victim.
Martyrdom is totally unnecessary for today’s women. Your first allegiance is to yourself. Without a strong sense of self, there is no way that you can tackle the ups and downs of a relationship or the rigors of motherhood (if you so choose).

Stop Settling for Less
A piece of a man is definitely not better than a whole, healthy man. Your desperation is showing.
Stop Trying to Be a Savior
If a man doesn’t have his head together and is on the skids, it is not up to you to try to save him. You are neither his mother nor his therapist. Let him go and move on. Men like this will bring you down if you aren’t careful.

Learn to Exhale Between Relationships
In other words…no transitional lovers. Someone always ends up being hurt and it could be you…again, or that poor man. Neither one of you deserves to be hurt or used. Give yourself some down time.
Learn the Difference Between Being alone and lonely.
Being alone is by choice and loneliness is only temporary. Get out and enjoy yourself. Wallowing in loneliness can often make women desperate for attention and lead them into unhealthy relationships.
Don’t Allow Any Man to Validate You
Allowing any man to define who you are as a woman leaves you open to being controlled and eventually abused. Why give a man that type of power over you? Now, do you really want to be the kind of woman who thinks that her life is not complete unless she has a man in it…any man? Where’s your self-respect?
Blessed is the Child That Has Her Own
Handle your business…educationally and financially. Generally, needy, uneducated women tend to attract men of the lowest character. Small sacrifices now lead to bigger rewards later. (YES)
Don’t Let Good Sex Sway You
Sure, He may rock your boat like no other man has ever done, but don’t let the sex cloud your judgment. If he treats you like crap or a convenient botty call, then, eventually, you may come to resent him with the same passion you displayed when he was between your legs. Now, if that’s all you want, then be honest and protect yourself. If you play, you will definitely pay. Don’t confuse lust with love. And no fair trying to trap him with a pregnancy neither one of you wants. That’s dirty pool. And why should an innocent child pay for your stupidity? After all, you picked him.
Don’t try to Buy a Man’s Affection
In the long run, not only will you lose him, but you will lose your self-respect and any smidgen of respect he may have had for you. Are you that desperate? Any self-respecting man will never allow himself to be kept. (Have u lost your mind)
Stop Trying to Change Men
Men will usually tell you who they are if you really listen to them. So try less talking and do more listening and you will, most likely, save yourself some trouble. (hahaha)
Stay Away From Unavailable Men
If he’s married, separated, having problems with his baby’s/babies’ mama/mamas, not ready for a commitment or etc., he is off limits. Now if you thrive on drama, then, by all means, go right ahead. Some women are made like that. Love doesn’t Hurt. Women who say that they love physically or verbally abusive mates have some serious emotional issues. Don’t become a statistic. The life you save may be your own. (I hear U)
Don’t’ Compromise Your Moral Values
Even if you don’t consider yourself a particularly religious person, promiscuity will take a toll on your self-respect and even your health, in the long run. Sleeping around with men who don’t have your best interest at heart tends to chip away at the very essence of you. Many times, it can turn you into a bitter, jaded woman who thinks all men are nothing more than dogs and not worthy of any respect. Listen to your instincts. They will never lead you wrong. (that’s what I’m talking abut)
Respect is Reciprocal
If you want respect then you must give respect, especially toward your mate. If you lash out in anger, frustration, or whatever, be prepared to receive the same in return. Even the most loving and gentle men can take only so much of his woman’s’ funky attitude.
Keep Your Personal Business Between You and Your Man
Use extreme discretion whenever you are tempted to discuss your personal problems with family, friends, etc. Many relationships have been broken up due to outsiders putting their two cents in where it didn’t belong. Keep that mouth zipped!
Don’t Advertise Your Man
Whether he is “ad bomb” in the bedroom or a blessing sent down from heaven, try to keep it to yourself. Actions speak louder than words. Most women can pick up on this just by being around you and yours. Why? Because you are as happy and contented as a kitten with a saucer of warm milk. It will definitely show. Now there’s nothing wrong with a little bit of bragging about your man. But keep it low-key. No sense in irritating those unscrupulous women who will try to “test your man’s” and/or lure him away
So, my Sisters…how about a whole new you for 2008?
Why refer to yourself as a well-bred Queen, if you’re carrying yourself like a low-bred commoner? If you want to be treated as a Queen, then it’s time to start displaying some queenly behavior and sporting a whole new attitude. If you want to be treated as royalty then you must act like royalty. It goes both ways.

There is very little in this "shout-out" that epitomizes the women I know. This e-mail to me epitomizes what it is to be a weak person, whose only identity relates to a man. Throughout my life I have repeatedly heard and used the worn out slogan "I'm a strong independent black woman, I don't need a man." Luckily I grew the hell up and entered adulthood. This is not to say that there are not single women out there that are not handling their business, by being financially stable on their own or raising their kids by themselves; it's to say, for some, independence was not by choice, nor was raising their children alone.

So I guess I should point out what I feel epitomizes a strong woman, black/white/whatever...a woman.

1) A woman that keeps God as the head in her life. Because without Him, nothing is possible
2) A woman that loves herself.
3) A woman that is humble, and thinks of others before herself.
4) A woman that stands in the face of adversity, overcomes it, and takes a lesson out of it.
5) A woman that can be burned in a relationship and still stand up and love again.
6) A woman that can reach out and ask for help when she needs it.
7) A woman that can raise her child/children on her own, but knows she can never be a father.
8) A woman that can keep her identity and still want a man in her life.

I guess the first thing that truly bothered me about the e-mail is that there was no mention of God. And for me, all topics that were touched on, cannot be achieved without faith in the Almighty. Secondly I feel you should love yourself to just love yourself dammit. Not so some man can see that you love yourself and want you, but so you can live a healthy esteemed life. The third point hits on the woman that I have surrounded myself with. My friends epitomize love of others. The fourth point was one that I truly had to work on in becoming an adult. No grudges. Just take the lesson and move on. The fifth is a lesson that I don't think the author of this original e-mail was ever able to deal with or learn. Just because one man burned you, doesn't not mean number two will. Learn to love again. Number six I guess puts a slap in the face of what this author epitomizes a strong woman to be, but that's okay, because without the help of my God, my friends and husband, I would not have been able to tackle the problems that faced me. Number seven is to squash that "I'm the mother and father," quote I hear tossed around so many times. No you aren't. You are a single mother and a damn good one, but only a man can be a father so get over yourself. Number eight is something I feel many woman have a hard time admitting. I mean let's face it, if you are not gay and want to be married, you need a man. If you are not gay and want to have sex with another person, you need a man. If you are not gay and want to be in a relationship, you need a man. So at what point did we become weak by needing a man to fulfill these needs?

Again, this is just my opinion and I wanted to comment.

What I know about: Getting Advice

As I have mentioned before I am one of the people that many of my friends call for advice. I expect it is because I generally shoot from the hip. I am not as concerned with sparing feelings as I am with sparing my friends from pain.

Recently I spoke with a good friend who called me in a panic. She was sure that her boyfriend was on the way out the door. She recounted to me the story. If her version is correct, his words were harsh, and inappropriate given the situation. But I told her to "hold steady because people sometimes freak out and have moments of bad judgment when faced with a number of difficult situations at the same time. Keep it in mind but keep it in perspective."

She was relived to hear my advice, because the person she called for advice before she could get a hold of me had another story to tell. I asked her "Why did you call her for advice on this subject, has she ever been in this situation before?" Look at how she deals with similar issues, and then decide if you think her way is the best way for you.

Be cautious in who you seek advice from.

I can tell you what I know about lots of things. But there are plenty of things that I know nothing about. I have never adopted a child, I have never flown a plane, I have never run a farm. I could not tell you anything about those topics. If a friend came to me for advice in these subject areas, or many others, I would not even TRY and advise them beyond...Why don't you go look it up, or find someone who had done this and ask them.

Advice from friends is a wonderful thing. These are the people that love you and know you, sometimes better than you know yourself. The outside perspective they have is a benefit when you cannot see clearly from the inside. Just know who your friends are and what their areas of competency are before you rely on their every word.


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What I Know About: Stepping out on Faith

By Jennifer Texada
A friend of mine came back from a business trip only to discover that she had no home to come back to. Her condo had been damaged extensively in a flood triggered by a broken pipe. Despite the dismal situation, I had to ask myself: Is this just a leaky pipe, or has God taken all excuses away from my friend so she can move on?

Let me rewind. My friend is 36, never married, has no children, recently broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years, and now her company is about to close and lay everyone off. She has been harboring a secret desire to pack up and move down south away from the snow, high prices and the slim selection of quality black men for a few years now but has yet to do anything but complain about what her life lacks.

Until recently she has always had an excuse. The big one was her boyfriend, he wouldn’t move, so she couldn’t move. But about a year later he decides that he didn’t want to do anything that she wanted to do and they broke up. Then it was her job, it was easy and stable, until they announced they were closing and moving the office to Canada. Next it was the condo and she always thought she could get more if she hung on to it for a little longer. Now she is going to have to invest into it just to get out and hopefully break even. I mean she even tried to tell me once, that she had to stay for her parent's sake, who are now enjoying their winters in sunny Florida. Did all of these obstacles magically disappear or is this Divine intervention?

My last conversation with her drove me to frustration and I exploded with, “JUST GO! Stop whining and move. I mean you can't move forward if you are standing still.” I may not sound too “friend-ish”, but I refuse to I listen to her complain about this for another year!

Do I empathize with her situation? Yes, I know what it is to have fears, but I choose not to let them dictate my life. Whenever I don't like my situation, I do what it takes to get myself into a better one. I have moved about 4 times in the last 7 years. It seems like a lot right? But what if I told you in these 7 years I have accomplished almost all of the goals on my “Life to-do List” would you say the same? I don’t regret a single move, because I know that I am far beyond where I would have been if I stayed in the same spot.

I truly believe in following your heart and pursuing your goals despite all challenges. But what both of these bold moves require is faith. Knowing that you are a part of God’s plan and he will provide a way for you even when you can’t see it. To some, I may look like an unstable nut, but I am a happy nut, pursuing her bliss. I think people are generally afraid to move forward because of a fear of the unknown. They question, What if I do "ABC" and it doesn't work? But when you step out on faith your only focus should be, what if it does?

I want to encourage my friend, and every woman who is striving to make fearless decisions in their lives, keep these two principles in mind: #1 through great risk comes great reward, and #2 God will move you through anything if you just trust in Him.

I Think: When she is dressed like that who's to blame?

By. Mia Black

She’s got that big ole’ ghetto booty, tight lycra jeans (low enough to show off that hot pink thong), and oh how that belly shirt shows off her D-cup. Damn!!! Girlfriend is all that and then some! Although girlfriend my have it going on, she is only fourteen. That’s right, fourteen.

Was it like this when I was growing up in the eighties? Maybe it was, but even the tight jeans were not this tight. I grew up in time where mostly baggy jeans and backwards clothes were the style, but today it is all about showing everything you got, panties and all. I look at some of the clothes our teenager girls are wearing and I wonder how they squeezed their overly mature bodies into them.

Now there were fashion controversies in the eighties: skin-tight denim and the mini skirts. But I lived in a home where my mother whipped out the measuring tape before I left for school just to make sure the skirt hovered right above my knees. And don’t get me started on the pinch test, to see if I had enough breathing room in my jeans. Today’s purpose of a measuring tape is to tell you if the waistline is no more than an inch below your navel! Unless you’re a plumber, I don’t want to see your crack, your panties…nothing!!

And that is no longer toilet paper or socks in that bra. Push-up, padded, and water-filled bras rule the market. Now combine that with the fourteen year-old cleavage and a low V-neck lycra shirt, and there is nothing left to the imagination. That’s right, it’s not just the jeans, lycra has found a friend in cotton too. Now if the shirt isn’t riding down the front of her chest, then it’s doing little at the bottom to even cover her belly button. Or it may just be providing an unwanted view of the top and bottom.

Now here’s the tricky part, who do I blame for the fact that I cannot go out in public with out full few of the private parts of every teen and pre-teen girl in the place? Is it the fourteen year-old, who is only dressing like her friends and the girls on TV? The parent(s), who allow her to walk out of the house like this? Maybe I should blame clothing manufacturers that make these clothes, then market them to teens? Or the teen stores that buy only the most revealing clothes.

I have got to go with the parents, hands down. The fourteen year-old will only buy what she’s allowed to buy. The clothes manufacturer will only sell what’s being bought. I mean, in all honesty, most fourteen year-olds can’t support their wardrobes.

True, it is the parents’ right to allow their child to wear whatever she wants. If the parent doesn’t have a problem with it, what can you do? You can’t tell a parent how to dress their own kid.

So are there any solutions? Or must we remain subject to not having to guess what color panties are teenage girls are wearing?