What I Know About: Legacy

Almost every decision I have made since the day learned that I was pregnant with my oldest child has been based on what was best for her, and her future.

When I saw that President Obama wrote to his daughters, I was so touched. It reminded me of the letters I wrote to my daughters when I was pregnant with them, and it reminded me of why do what I do every day. His letter made me think about what else I should be doing to ensure that their life is all that they can ever dream that it to be, and more.

President Obama says in his letter
"When I was a young man, I thought life was all about me -- about how I'd make my way in the world, become successful, and get the things I want. But then the two of you came into my world…."I realized that my own life wouldn't count for much unless I was able to ensure that you had every opportunity for happiness and fulfillment in yours. In the end, girls, that's why I ran for President: because of what I want for you and for every child in this nation,"

My goal as a mother has always been to produce people who will be an inspiration and blessing to everyone they meet. I realize that my legacy lies not in what I do, but in what I leave behind. I hope that I can make decisions and teach lessons to them that will resonate with my grand children and maybe even their children.

What is your legacy going to be? When your children walk out your door what will they take with them (other than your checkbook) that will reflect back on you as a parent?

What I Know About: Writing New Years Blog Posts

Around this time of year I usually write a post about what I am going to do next year. I can say usually because this is the third New Years post I have written for I’m Every Woman… Where has the time gone!

It has been a stellar year for me. It has been the kind of year that would have played well on a reality show. Full of ups and downs… elation and sadness… surprises and just plain weirdness.

So let me recap

Career
Dec 18 of 2007 stepped through the door to my new office, not really knowing what would come of this new job. 12 months later The work I have done on some just really fun projects have earned me the privilege of being a featured speaker or panelist six times, I have been quoted in 3 publications including Business Week, and I even won a national award. I LOVE THIS JOB!

Babies
One of my friends had all her prayers answered and she had a baby boy… my godson. Then… about 3 weeks later my brother who swore he would never have any children welcomed is daughter into the world…my niece.

Travel
Between work and play this year I went to San Jose, OC/LA, Boston, New York, Austin, Dallas, Rome, Venice and London… It sure was fun but boy am I tired!

I also celebrated year one in my house, bought a new car, dropped my oldest daughter off for her first day of high school, I was consumed by the election and so excited about our new president.

After this year I feel like anything can happen. I am for the first time in a long time excited about the possibilities. So what am I gonna do next year? I really don’t know. I am sure that the year will be filled with all kinds of crazy adventures and new opportunities. But while all that is going on…

A- I am going to loose this 20 pounds that I put on this year, plus hopefully a little more. I guess all the excitement made me hungry! I am going to be passionate about my health in 2009

B- I am going to go back to school. I found what I think is the right masters program for me. I am going to apply go, and hopefully finish before I have to drop my daughter off at college

C- I am going to be even more diligent about my finances. I have this dream of getting 2 mortgage payments in the bank

D- I want to try and get all of the anger and hate and animosity that I held for the people that have done me wrong out of my heart. Clean slates for everyone in 2009

I like the new year because it gives you place to reflect on how far you have come, and it gives you a natural place to call a re-do on anything you need improve on.

What are you going to do in 2009? What have you been through and what do you need to call a re-do on?

What I Know About: Christmas Gifts for Children

As a child I always thought I had great Christmas mornings! I got a mix of gifts from underwear and socks to the latest baby doll, or board game. I admit I was fortunate, I never remember a Christmas morning where I did not wake my brothers and run out to the living room to see a sea of gifts overflowing abundantly from beneath the tree. Every year I gave my list to my mother to "mail to Santa" and I generally got at least 2 or 3 of those things on the list and was always grateful and thrilled for that. Of course like any kid I stacked my list for good measure. I had a system... I always put something crazy like a pony in the number one slot, so that when "Santa" reviewed the list new bike looked like a reasonable request when positioned next to the pony. Yes even at 8 years old I was strategic. But bike or no bike for me it was more about the flurry of paper and ribbons, then Christmas lounging around, then dinner and fun with the family.

I hear that in many households that the meaning of the holiday is changing? I did not know that you could change a 2000 year old tradition but… okay whatever. From what I understand now the tradition is to spend every dime on sneakers, and handbags, video games, and cell phones. I also hear that if they don’t get every little last thing on their list then the kids are allowed to throw a fit and demand of you the latest in fabulous clothing and gadgets, or you risk being ignored or tormented by their angry rampages?

I have even heard that as a teen you can tell your parents stuff like “This is the phone I want…you can either get me this or nothing” Well I know what my parents would have said if they had been faced with such an ultimatum, but what about you? Do you feel pressured by society and your children to spend obnoxious amounts of money in a effort to win their love and respect?

Parents trust me I understand your dilemma. I too want only the best for my beautiful daughters...I want their eyes to light up on Christmas morning as they tear open the boxes to see the delights of their heart. But I also want the house to light up because I can continue to afford to keep the lights on. Beyond just the cost of it all, I want them to realize that Christmas is more than getting the “Stuff” that you want.

This year…like every year they will get a few of those fancy presents, but mostly books, and board games, art supplies sweaters and stuff.

Personally I think those things prove my love for them even more than a video game or a cell phone. Those things represent practical love. Those things to me represent the fact that I want them to stay warm, and I want to play games with them, and I want them to love art and reading. I want them to know that neither the spirit of Christmas nor my love for them can be measured in the price of the gifts under the tree.

What I Know About: Greener Grass

I don't know about your mother and grandmother, but every time I got to the point where I started to envy what someone else had versus what I had they said "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence". I always remember thinking "Well what the hell does that mean?"Does it mean you are going to get me the thing I want or not? I eventually came to understand that it meant no I was not getting anything.


However, recently I have begun to understand that concept very clearly. Thank God for me that my understanding of this concept has come from watching... from the other side of the fence.

Recently I have heard from a friend that another friend of mine was trying to use my life as the measuring stick. She was trying to holding her relationship dealings with her NEW step children up to mine. Essentially she was trying to say "look at the relationship that Jenn has with her step kids... I want it to be like that." Apparently my grass looks pretty from where she is standing. Well, right now it is pretty, but she chooses to forget all of the watering and mowing and fertilizing that I have been doing for the past 10 years to make it so green. It is green because of financial sacrifice, tear filled discussions, and hard work. But she does not really feel like she should go through all that. She just wants an insta happy family, but "it don't work like that honey".

Next on my list is her significant other. Long story short, it seems he left his wife, not because of my friend, but because I think he had decided that he wanted to be in a different type of relationship, with a different kind of woman. He was married to what seems from my perspective to be a successful woman. A woman that I imagine ran most of the details of the house, maintained her own financial stability, and probably demanded a level of respect from him that he did not want to part with. I am sure there was some hurt and pain that took place on both sides of that marriage, so I expect that his vision of a perfect woman became one that was the polar opposite of what she was... a woman who was not so career focused, or demanding. His new dream girl would be willing to stay home and take care of the house and children, forgoing her own personal goals for the support of his goals. He went searching beyond the fence for his greener pastures, and there she was... my friend.

What I think he did not bank on was that on this new pasture, 100% of the burden rests on him. She is not working... at his request, and now that the baby is here, she does not really want to go back to work... but she is still being asked to pay a portion of the bills out of her savings. I wonder what will happen when her savings runs out? Also, she needs him for everything, her sun rises and sets on his every word... just like what he thought he wanted.

So I hope if you are in a place in your life where you are unhappy, and you are looking over the fence into someone else's yard.
Look away because:
1) You don't know what it took to get to where they are
2) Be sure you are prepared to handle whatever it is that you want
3) Maybe they seem so happy because they are just happy in the place God has them right now

So work on your own yard... run your own race... and just look for the joy in your own life. Most likely there is someone looking over the fence at your raggedy brownish green grass too.

What I Know About: Re-discovering Yourself

By Jennifer Texada
A friend called me a few weeks ago crying (again) complaining (again) about something that the "Him" in her life had done. In the middle of the conversation she mentioned that she was tired of everything in her life being about "Him". She felt like she was becoming one of "those women" who's whole life and happiness revolved around her guy. I guess that is fine for trophy wives and first ladies, but for most of us that is not a healthy way to live.

So I asked her to do what I did back when I felt like I was losing myself. To be honest, by the time I had figured this out, I had already lost myself and was going on a full scale hunt! I told her to make a list of the things that were just about her, the things that she loved to do. It turns out that this was not an easy list to make. She had been in this situation so long she had no idea who she was and what she liked.

When I was in this situation, these are the 2 questions that helped me to figure it out.

1-When was the last time you were happy, and feeling totally free? What did you do for fun, and what made you happy?

2- If you were single, and had no kids, where would you go, what would you do?

She starts with "That is all well and good but how am I really going to do that" already making excuses. "He can do what he wants, because he has a babysitter, me I have children I cannot just do whatever I want when I want to".

Point taken, hire a babysitter. Isn't your sanity and happiness is worth $20 a week for a few hours of freedom.

Yesterday she called me from the nail salon. A.K.A. the place where happiness begins.

I think: No Passing the Buck

No Passing the Buck
By: Mia Black
4/7/08

As my husband and I rode in this morning, we listened to talk radio. This morning’s topic was, “Is the School System Failing Black Boys?” They were speaking of elementary age boys from about the second to the fourth grade. It went about 50/50. Those that supported the fact that it’s the school’s fault that the kids aren’t learning or reaching their full potential, and those that blamed the parents for allowing their kid to reach the third or fourth grade without saying anything. For me I blame both. But when I look at the school, I don’t blame the teachers, I blame the school board.

My daughter attends the Boston Public School System –ugh! It pains me to say that, but at the same time, I don’t worry that she is lacking because I do my job at home. I don’t have the money to send her to private school, but I do have the time to invest into my child by creating my own curriculum at home. I guide her and she lets me know when she is ready to move on to the next step. By the time she got to that school age, she was much more advanced than the other students, but I was able to convey to the teachers where she was at, give them a copy of her annual syllabus, and tell them how best my child learns.

But the reason I was able to convey my concerns to her teachers with such ease is because I did an intense search for her school. I had eleven to choose from and I narrowed my search down to four. I visited each school during their open houses and did a pop-up during the day at each. This school was a good fit all around. But I was amazed at some of the questions the parents would ask, “do you serve breakfast?”, “how late can I pick them up?”, “Is that the only playground you have?” And people somehow have the nerve to say it’s the school systems failing the kids?

I’m not by any means saying I am the only parent out here that is working with their kid at home, but when my kid is reading to her class and the class below her, I’m proud and concerned all at the same time. I’m working with a school board that does not believe in promoting a student based on their intelligence, only by their age. So even though her class is working on writing their basic letters and she’s practicing cursive, by the schools standards, she’s not old enough for that yet. Funny how they don’t understand that the “No Child Left Behind”, is a double edged sword.

That is why I don’t put the blame so much on the teacher as I do the school board and their policies. The school board is the one that decides on the curriculum, not the teacher. The school board decides that no matter how smart or advanced a child is, if they’re not the right age, they won’t advance. The school board decides the tardy policies. I had to put that last one in there because my husband’s client was sent home for being tardy. Absolutely absurd to me, but I’m not on the school board and his mother had no problem with it. She got to go to work early because he could watch his little brother.

I Think: The End of Discipline as We Know It

The End of Discipline as We Know It
By: Mia Black
2/27/08

As a week goes by and a family drifts further apart, I feel compelled to bring the issue to the table. It all comes down to discipline. That is really the issue that has a family not talking. As an outsider, it puzzles me because it is still being brought up a week later. What is being brought up? My friend’s daughter found her teenage nerve in front of the family last week. Her mother requested to speak to her in the other room. She refused. High volume words were exchanged from both sides of the argument. I was not in the room when this took place, but one story goes: her daughter was snatched up by her neck and slammed against the wall. Another goes: someone attempted to interfere with the whooping that was about to take place and a hand ended up in the throat area, while my friend held her daughter against the wall.

Either way as an adult and mother; I must go by my own accord. I heard a spoiled brat that was scared of being embarrassed in front of her family peers; disrespect her mother in a screaming tirade. Knowing my friend and how she was raised, I was not surprised at all that she snatched her daughter up by whatever she could grab. I was surprised that she did allow her daughter to get in so much before the actual…whatever happened. Again I was not an eyewitness.

But where my actual shock came from was in the story that comes after my friend left. I was summoned to the pity party in the corner by my friend’s sister who's goal was to soothe the poor wounded spirit of my friend’s daughter. I couldn’t believe what was happening. My friend’s mother and sister tried their best to convince me of my friend’s wrongdoing…grabbing, throat, slamming…and a new twist; she also shoved her mother out of the way in the midst of the almost whooping. In the midst of the overwhelming stupidity and hypocrisy of the situation that I was summoned too. I was thinking to myself, why am I explaining discipline to this CHILD? She almost got her butt whooped for mouthing off to her mother. I could not see the wrong in the situation and still can’t. And as I stood, and tried to explain this to the CHILD, she stood in my face and attempted to disrespected me with her attitude. All backed up by Aunty and Nana.

I must now explain why I am saying “almost”. By my friend’s account, her mother stepped in and grabbed her arm/hand while my friend was reaching for her daughter. That is how it ended up in the throat “area”. Point is: No child is allowed to shout and point in their parents face PERIOD! And the hypocrisy of the situation is that her mother had the audacity to stop her from disciplining her daughter. A woman that used to not only whoop my friend’s behind, but would allow for others (Aunties) to do it too. So how can she and her daughter now interrupt the discipline of their granddaughter/niece?

What is so absolutely horrible about this ridiculous fiasco, is that my friend’s daughter got away with yelling, screaming and disrespecting her mother and I. She was given reassurance through the matriarchs in the family that yelling, screaming, and carrying on like a one year old, warrants no consequences.

On the flip side, the relationship between my friend and her daughter is a bit estranged. There could be a lot more effort on my friend’s end to be more involved in her daughter’s life, but point is, there isn’t much you can do 15 years in. I was able to talk to her daughter and find out there was so much more going on than what came out in her moment of fearlessness. But like I told her, no matter what, that is your mother and you need to respect her or suffer the consequences of getting snatched up again. She didn’t hear that message at all, because I was interrupted by the so-called matriarchs who didn’t want to hear her being told that she was wrong. I told my friend’s daughter how much I loved and cared for her, but where I come from, yelling at your mother or father is absolutely unacceptable.

And now over a week later, a family is divided over how that situation was handled. I have spoken to my friend since, and backed her up 100% along with the other family members that have heard the story. Rightfully so, my friend has had it with the meddling of her mother and sister when it comes to her parental duties. Whether or not they speak again, I can’t say, but I am happy that my friend went old school and enforced a punishment that fit the crime. She stood in the face of her CHILD and had she not been interrupted, would have successfully whooped her behind.

*To be followed up with: Raising a Teenager with Discipline. By: Jennifer Texada