Tuesday, August 12, 2008

What I know about: Bottling it Up

Nice title right... Quite contradictory to my regular posts of hope and vision. But here in my era of honesty I have a point to make.

I have been angry for the past couple of weeks, sometimes just mad for no reason at all. I recognize the anger as unproductive, baseless, and probably manageable if I just took the time to manage it.. but I haven't. I have been pushing back every time I am pushed, and that is not like (the new) me at all.

Then on my way back from the car dealership the other day I realized why I was not managing my anger as well as I once had been.

For the longest time, I had been carrying this cute little stripped spiral notebook with brown recyclable paper pages, and an elastic band that held it shut. It was just small enough that it fit in a handbag easily. I took it everywhere. It held meeting notes from work, and church notes form services, and journal entries that I made when I was mad or sad or happy for that matter.

So the last time I was at the dealership I wrote a fax number in the book and handed it to the woman who had been handling my paperwork. She forgot to bring the notebook back to me, then I left. When I went back she reminded me about the notebook. She said "You know you are not getting your notebook back, right?" Then she went on to explain how she had read the notes, and been inspired by the church notes and writings. She said she had been reading one page in the notebook every day. It was inspirational to her.

I have NO idea what I wrote in that thing that could be that inspiring, but if it is a blessing to her I want her to keep it. However it was on my way home from that exchange that I realized what was missing for me.

In a post last year I mentioned to you all that when I have things going on in my life I tend to write them down instead of bottle them up. Leaving the worries on the paper was helpful to me in moving past whatever negative emotion was holding me back. During the tough times I would write every day, and when those times passed I did not need to write so often.

I have not been following my own advice.

So yesterday I went and bought a new notebook, and I am about to start letting it out again. I am sure that everyone who has been around me in the days since I lost my book will be happy.