Wednesday, November 7, 2007

I Think: It's Time to Step into Your Womanhood

It's Time to Step into Your Womanhood

By: Mia L. Black

Can your mother still make you cry? I ask this question after listening to one of my friends this weekend and realizing what her real problem was. It wasn't what her mother was saying to her, but the fact that she didn't feel she could stand up to her. How can you truly become an adult and truly call yourself a woman if you can't stand up for yourself in the face of anybody, even your mother?

Now don't get me wrong, I am not walking around cussing my mother out and speaking with no fear; because I am only two years into being a true adult. My "wow" moment came when I was actually scared to call my mother and tell her I was pregnant with my second daughter. I had our first daughter out of wedlock and telling her about that pregnancy is not a moment I want to relive. With our second daughter, we were married, financially stable, both working and had wonderful benefits...oh yeah, and I was a grown-ass woman. But because of my fear of somehow disappointing her, I held off on telling her immediately. When I did finally work up the nerve to tell her, I received a forced "congratulations".

Well I dwelled on that moment for days and was pissed. Finally it just hit me, I am a grown-ass woman that is about to have our second child and I am allowing this woman to steal all of my joy. At that point I created a mental shit list. It was made for people that were not going to be happy for me. Not just about my pregnancy and not just for my mother, but for all people that felt like they had a right to put in their two cents about my life. I've been living that way ever since and now I am able to "talk to" my mother, rather than "ask for" her approval, about the things that are going on in my life.

Now one of my friends allowed herself to be cursed at, spoken down to, and her mother got so elementary as to name call. Now my friend is the perkiest person you could ever meet. She even sounds happy when she is cursing you out. But I could tell when she called me, that her spirit had been broken. She had called me after she had finished crying and was able to relay her story to me. After hearing her story, I realized that it was none of her mother's damn business. Not only was it none of her damn business, but how dare she become so aggressive with her reaction. All I could do is share the experience I had with my mother when becoming pregnant with our second daughter. Letting her know that she could still be respectful of her mother, while letting her know she will not be spoken to in any inappropriate manner. Telling her she now had to embrace equal opportunity. Meaning if you would hang up on your co-worker or friend for cursing at you, you need to hang up on your mother too. Respect comes when boundaries are set.

My friend sent me a copy of the apology her mother sent her. It was an e-mail that showed her mother's lack of faith in herself, rather than in her daughter. And I think this is a key as to why many mothers act as they do, they don't know how to pat themselves on the back and trust that they have raised us right. Her mother still views her as a child and we all know a mother is supposed to protect her child. But it will be up to my friend to set the boundaries so her mother will begin to view her as a woman, and it may be at that point her mother will be able to see what a truly amazing, strong, intelligent, genunine, kind, woman her daughter has become.

2 comments:

Jennifer Texada said...

This is such an issue for many women.

My ah ha moment was when my mother came to my home for the holidays and spent every moment of the trip criticizing everything about my existence. My marriage was on the rocks I had just had my second child, I was tired and struggling, and there she was just adding insult to injury.

Needless to say I told her in no uncertain terms... If you have nothing nice to say, get the hell out of my house. I love my mother, but I am not willing to deal with negative, destructive input from anyone, especially someone who claims to love me.

From that point forward my mother has been careful in how she address me. Even if she does not always agree I think she respects me.

MLB said...

I think it is very hard for mother's to let go of that control with their daughters because their sons allow them to keep that control. They will still allow mommy to cook, clean, and raise their children when allowed. And they have raised them to be taken care of.

Which is hypocritical when it comes to daughters, because they have raised us to be independent and be the caregiver for our families. Then when we seek our independence they want to be able to micromanage every aspect of our life.